Turn up the positive thoughts

Hello, ladies and welcome to the podcast. Today I wanted to record a podcast about noticing the positive. And I wanted to bring you this podcast today. Because there's so many of us who tend to believe so many positive thoughts, but we don't actively remind our brain of what is actually positive in our life. And I know there's a lot of talk about affirmations, and you should say these things to yourself all the time, and then you'll start believing it. But I take a slightly different take on this and I wanted to share it with you. So let's start off by actually talking about the 5050 concept of emotions. So you've heard me talk about 5050 on the podcast quite often. So what does that mean, if you're new to the podcast welcome. And let me explain to you the 5050 concept of emotions. So as a human, we are meant to have 50% positive emotion and 50% negative emotion. And as a human race, and in society, we've been fed the narrative that we need to always be happy. This is often even worse in certain cultures. I know in the South Asian culture, it's very much that it's frowned upon to be upset or angry or display any negative emotion really. And especially in society, you're meant to look a certain way, you shouldn't be angry, you shouldn't be sad, especially as a woman. And there's a lot of not being willing to see children go through any negative emotion as well. And often food is used to kind of what's the word? placate any possible negative emotion shown in children as well. So it's very much like, Oh, are you feeling upset here, here's a snack. Or you shouldn't get so angry about things here, have some chocolate, and often the food is to like placate or damping down the negative emotion. And so if we get taught this as kids, and if society is teaching us this, then of course, as adults, it's very much like, hey, negative emotion is bad, and I should not be feeling any negative emotion. So when we're already having that normal 50% of negative emotion, what then happens is, we shame ourselves, or we judge ourselves for having that negative emotion. And we think that we shouldn't be having it, right. But ironically, that just makes the negative emotion so much worse, right? Because instead of actually embracing that, of course, I'm human, I'm meant to have negative emotion, sometimes what we end up doing is we end up saying, hey, there's something wrong with me, I shouldn't be feeling this. There's definitely something that's gone wrong, I need to do something to get rid of it. So of course, we're going to use food to make it better, right? So if that is what we've been taught, and that's what we've been fed in society, of course, we're going to keep thinking that any negative emotion is wrong. But the truth of it is that to actually live an authentic human experience, we are going to have negative emotion 50% of the time, we are going to have emotions that we may not particularly want to feel, because our primitive brain that part of our brain that wants to keep us alive and want it wants to ensure our survival, that part of the brain thinks this is dangerous for my survival to feel any negative emotion. So I am going to do everything in my power to not feel that right. And when we just allow our brain to function from that primitive part of our brain, then what we're doing is we're in essence, allowing our toddler brain to run the show. This is when we are basically not I'm challenging the status quo. We're not challenging the habit, part of our brain, that part of our brain is always going to be doing that. The role of it is to ensure our survival. And so we're always going to think, Hey, this is threatening my survival, this negative emotion is threatening my survival. Let me do everything in my power to make sure that she doesn't feel that, right. So when we are not challenging that part of our brain, we're basically just saying to ourselves, hey, the habit brain is right. Negative emotions are bad. And so let's avoid them at all costs. But what we need to do is actually provide an alternative to that part of our brain, that's freaking out. And that's how you bring in mind management. That's how you start managing an unmanaged mind. Right? That's how you can start saying, hey, is this actually true? Is this actually, like, correct that feeling any negative emotion is bad? Or could it just be that actually, when I don't lose weight this week, I may feel a bit upset because I wanted to lose one kilo and I lost half a kilo. Yeah, I'm a little bit upset with that. Because I really wanted to get to my goal. And to get to my goal, I had planned to lose one kilo a week. In that sense, you may feel a bit disappointed. But when you then add on top, that then that there's now something wrong with me that I'm feeling disappointed, I shouldn't be feeling disappointed, I should be loving myself, I shouldn't be doing all of this, what you're doing then is you're negating the normal human experience, of course, you're gonna feel disappointed if you're making it mean that I shouldn't be feeling this, if you're adding on that layer of shame and judgement, right? So one way to do that is to challenge that unmanaged mind, and to say, hey, of course, I'm going to be feeling disappointed. Sometimes, it's part of the human experience, nothing has gone wrong, it doesn't mean that I'm doing something wrong. It just means that I'm human. And of course, I'm feeling this right now. When you lose someone that you love, of course, you're going to feel sad, of course, you're going to feel grief. But if you shame yourself and say, Hey, I shouldn't be feeling this way, then of course, then you're going to train your brain to be like, hey, negative emotion is wrong. That's when we can challenge our brain and say, it's normal that I'm feeling this way. And of course, I'm feeling this way. Nothing has gone wrong, right. So another way to actually balance things out, is to notice the positive in your life. If we just let our habit brain kind of run the show, then it's always going to tell us the negatives, because remember, it's meant to be insurance, insuring our survival, it's meant to be telling us where the danger is. And so if we just let it run the show, then it's always going to be telling us, hey, there's danger here. And we need to run away from the danger, there's, this is going wrong, and that's going wrong, and that's potentially going to go wrong, and that's gonna go wrong. So it's always going to be scanning for danger. So it's always going to be keeping us safe, right is always going to be avoiding any negative emotion. So what we can then do is, when we're when our brain is freaking out, when that habit brain is freaking out, which it is meant to do, because it's meant to ensure our survival, that's when we can learn how to tip the balance a little bit. So if you think about the positive and negative thoughts on a, on a weighing scale, for example, and let's think of the old weighing scales that go up and down based on the weight that's placed on each side. And so say, if your negative emotions are like very, very heavy at the moment, they will weigh the scale down. So that means that the positive emotion if you're not actually like feeling much positive emotion, so what you may want to do is add in more positive emotion to actually balance up the scale. And so the only way to feel positive emotion is to think thoughts that are going to generate that emotion, right. So one way I find to actually help with that is to remind yourself of the thoughts you actually believe about your life that are positive. So one way of doing that is to look at what you're currently grateful for. And it may be like, Wait, why do I need to do that? The reason for that is, gratitude is proven to actually change your brain chemistry. And when you actually embrace gratitude, and you think about gratitude on a daily basis, then it helps you feel that positive emotion that will help balance this out. So if you're thinking about what you're actually grateful for, think about what you truly believe. For me. I'm great. For my two beautiful boys, I'm grateful for my loving husband. I'm grateful for my supportive parents, and grateful for my beautiful house. I'm grateful for my phenomenal clients. I'm grateful to live in a country where I have freedom of speech. I'm grateful that I have access to amazing people across the world who I can contact through my podcast. This is so phenomenal for me. And I'm so grateful for that. And when I remind myself of that, and I actually feel it in my body, I actually let those sensations of gratitude go through my body, that's when I can balance out the constant normal freakout in my mind. That's how I can balance out the positive and the negative emotion by reminding myself of what I currently am grateful for. And it isn't made up is completely true. But my brain just forgets, because it's constantly trying to scan for danger. So I just need to remind you of it. Right? So for you, how can you do that? How can you notice more of the positives in your life? Especially when you're freaking out? It may be something that you may just want to learn how to calm down your nervous system. This is a lot of the work that we do in the group coaching programme, how do we actually learn how to calm down the nervous system so that we can access that higher highest part of our brain? Because when our primitive brain is running the show, then we can't access that prefrontal cortex. So how can we first calm down the nervous system, calm down the fight or flight response, and then be able to access that higher part of our brain that prefrontal cortex. So one way of kind of like enhancing that positive emotion is to celebrate on purpose, you may celebrate anything and everything. And in the group coaching programme, we really prioritise celebration, and not because we're trying to be you know, we're trying to be like arrogant or anything like that. It's more that when you normalise celebration, then your body feels safe to celebrate. And the more you celebrate, the more you will want to do the thing that you celebrated. So say you wanted to celebrate planning your food. The more you celebrate actually making a plan, the more you're going to want to play, the more you celebrate saying no, when you're actually physically when you've eaten enough, then the more you're going to want to do that. Because the safety created in your body. And you actually your your nervous system doesn't freak out when you're doing something like that. Right? So for me, how do I celebrate, I look at myself in the mirror, and I tell myself the things that I actually want to hear from other people. I give myself a little fist pump. When I'm like, Yes, I did that thing that I found that I was finding hard. Like, I hate filing my taxes, I hate that. It's like a thing that I really struggle with my brain doesn't like get on board with it. I procrastinate for ages. And so when I am, when I've actually sent it to my accountant, I do a little fist bump. And I'm like, Yes, I did it. I reward myself with something that actually feels like a treat for me. So the thing that I seek most from food is normally rest and relaxation and peace. And so I normally give myself some sort of reward. That is some me time where I'm alone, where, where there's some quiet. And there's an orderly and kind of a peaceful kind of plays, because my brain loves that. So that's why I do more of it. And I feel like that feels like a real treat for me. If I give myself an afternoon off or something, it's like a huge treat. Now, my brain normally freaks out about it, because it's like, no, no, you're being lazy. And I have all these thoughts about it. But that's when I can calm down my brain and say it's okay to rest. And the more I read, the more I celebrate, the more I allow myself to experience that. So for you, if you are thinking, hey, I'm not able to really calm down that that brain when it's in the constant fight or flight mode, you may actually ask yourself when you're constantly ruminating or constantly worrying about something, is this actually helpful for me right now? What else could be true? How else could I look at this? And how else would I talk to someone say if it was my best friend. So I'll give you an example. Often my clients freak out about not making a plan. And they keep them saying to themselves, I am in the programme and I'm not planning. So then they're constantly feeling guilty and shame. And so I often ask them is this helpful? When they're feeling shame and guilt, then they're going to be taking actions of ruminating wanting to buffer with food, wanting to, you know, shame themselves. even more. And actually, then that's not really helping them make a plan at all. In fact, it's making them not want to make a plan because they're then using food to make themselves feel better again, right? So what else could be true? They're all getting phenomenal results in the programme. And what else could be true is that they are learning how to be with themselves, even when they don't like follow the plan 100% of the time, because there's no one who will be perfect at anything. In my programme, I still don't plan every single day sometimes because I have a human brain. And so when we can normalise that, hey, we aren't going to do everything 100% of the time all the time, then that helps normalise it. Right. So when I say what else could be true, then and when we coach on, hey, it could also be true that you're learning how to be with yourself, even when you don't follow the plan 100% That is some like real insight, right? How else could I look at this? How else could I look at this could be, hey, I'm focusing on all the other things right now I'm focused on really eating too enough. And so sometimes they don't make my plan. And that's okay. But that doesn't mean I'm going to shame myself anymore. I'm just going to be with myself. And I'm just going to say, Hey, this is how it is right now. And I'm not going to add on the layer of shame and judgement, because that's going to make it even harder to lose weight. How would I talk to my best friend about this? I would say, hey, it's completely okay. Like, listen, you get to decide what is what is going to work for you right now. And if you're focusing on eating too enough, and you know that that's your main thing that you want to work on, let's focus on that. And when you get better at that, then you can focus on planning, we don't have to do all at once you are doing phenomenally and everything is completely fine. So if that's how you will talk to a best friend, how can you start talking to yourself like that, right? So what I normally do is, at the end of the day, in my thought download, I actually write down things that I am grateful for in my life. And things that I've actually accomplished in the day that actually feel really, that I feel really proud of, because remember, accomplishment is one of the natural pleasures, there's no net negative from the accomplishment, and it actually feeds even more accomplishment. So the more you remind yourself of what you have accomplished, even if it feels like really little, the more you're reminding yourself of it, the more you are likely to accomplish more. So that is what you can start doing when you are noticing the positives. Well, when you are noticing that you're not actually noticing the positives, that often what you can do is you can start to change the balance. And this will really help in your emotional well being. And so you're not then going to need food to make yourself feel better so much more often. And everyone thinks, Okay, losing weight is about, hey, what do I need to eat. But so much of it is actually learning how to treat yourself how you would treat someone else, you would never be so mean to someone else. But we are evolving in a way where we just think it's normal to treat ourselves like that. And that is just not the case. This is the reason why we're relying on so many things outside of us to to feel better. And actually true emotional well being comes from learning how to treat yourself, how you treat others, to learning to be kind to yourself, and to accept yourself and love yourself exactly the way you are without needing to change. So that is what I have for you today. If you find this podcast useful, please share it with a friend. Please write me a comment on iTunes or on your favourite podcast app. Because the more I can get ratings or reviews on the podcast, the more people around the world will be able to access this amazing free information that changes lives. So I really appreciate you being here. And I would love for you to rate and review the podcast and share it with a friend. Okay, I will see you again next week. Take care ladies bye. For more free resources, and for information on how to work with me, visit www.amruticoaching.com