Learning to say "no"

Hi, lovely ladies. How are you? I am doing so well. I have been planning the live event that's happening on the seventh of August. Oh, my goodness. The lovely, awesome ladies that are in the group are gonna be in for a treat because this is the live event that we are doing so that they can have that solid foundation so that they know all the kind of theory.

And we workshop together to make sure that we are incorporating all of the mind management tools. So I've got a bit on thinking about our whys. I've got a bit on how to create a protocol. That's doable for them. I've got a bit on hunger. I've got a bit on understanding all of the science behind it. Oh my goodness.

It is gonna be so rich and so amazing. And in between, I'm gonna teach them how to feel emotions and urges. And do you know. Just this live event alone is gonna be setting them up for success throughout the whole six months. And I'm so excited for them, but I'm also so honored to be delivering it to them.

So something came up whilst I was preparing for that and I wanted to talk about it on the podcast and. the reason for this is because it shows up so often with so many of you. So it's the ability to say no. Now what I wanted to start off this podcast with is providing that permission to you that it's okay to say no, now you don't need permission from me, but in order.

To say no to something you need permission from yourself to do that. But so many of my clients and also myself, we have the thought, I just can't say no. When your parents ask for something, when your children ask for something, when your partner asks for something. So I was asking myself, why is it so hard to say no?

And I was thinking about in our culture, It's very normal to say, yes, we've been socialized to believe that more is better. You need to do more. you may have picked up a lot of thoughts. Like when you do more, you'll be more successful when you are doing more, then you are being kind and helpful to others.

You can't say no because that's rude. When you say no, then you are being selfish or lazy. How often has that come up for you? How often are you saying yes. When actually you just want to say no, I was doing that so often in my life and it came down to people pleasing. And what is people pleasing people pleasing is when you're doing something that you don't really want to do because.

You think you're gonna get the approval of the other person, and what it comes down to is that we are seeking the approval of the other person, because we are not really approving of ourselves. So in my coaching journey and in my life journey, I've had to learn how to unwind this thought that the more I do the better.

And I think a lot of us, we have this thought growing.

we picked it up somewhere that when I do more than I am safe, when I do more, I get the approval of all these other people. So then I'm part of the tribe and I won't get kicked out of the tribe and that is going to ensure my safety. And remember, it's just a very primitive thing to want to be part of the.

you want to be included, you want to be safe. So it's that primitive brain that has assigned that thought to the more you do the better. Right. So I know that I'm still unwinding this, but I'm just gonna talk about how this may be showing up for you. So I'm gonna give you my examples and I want you to think how it's showing up for you.

So for me, it shows up with food. My body thinks the more, the better because of that primitive brain. Right? It thinks that when I am going to be fighting the wild bear that it thinks is still roaming the streets. It thinks that when I've had more food, then I'm storing more of that energy. It thinks that when I am going to be.

fighting for my life. I will have that energy when I'm gonna be running away from the dangerous predator, I'm gonna have that energy. So it always goes back to the more food, the better, but now I've got that prefrontal cortex. I just want to be saying to my brain, Hey rain. Actually, when I eat more, I feel really actually bloated and that's gonna make me feel unwell and uncomfortable, and I actually don't want to eat like that.

I may have to remind my body that when I eat more food, then my clothes get tighter. And I don't actually like that feeling. I may have to remind my brain that, you know what, I'm becoming a person who just eats when I'm hungry and stops when I'm full, because I don't want all of that mind chatter about food taking over my life.

I've done that for so many years. I'm done with that, right? This more is better. This feeling of, I need to do more, also shows up in my business and it shows up with me overworking because my thought is the more I serve my people the better. And it comes from that deep desire to help people.

And I am a helper. I'm a caregiver. I've always been the type of person who has been the motherly character in my friend circle. My friends used to joke with me and say, you're such a mom. And this was like when I was 12, 13, and I've always had that kind of caring, giving, personality. So I used to think that that's just me.

So when I started creating that safety to say, no, it was really hard for me because it felt like I was going against my character, right. So how it shows up is I overwork because I keep thinking that the more I do, the more I'm gonna be serving you, but now I have to remind myself that actually it's okay to take rest because when I'm taking rest, then I'm teaching and empowering my people to do the same.

I'm normalising that. It's okay to rest. In fact, it's essential to rest. Right? When I do that, then I can empower all of you to do that. when I'm resting, then I am replenishing my brain. I am getting all the things that I need so that when I do provide value to you on this podcast, then I am at my highest performance, right.

Because I have taken that downtime. I've taken that time to rest. So I often have to remind myself that I don't need to do. I'm working on the belief that less is more, and I've seen that so much with stuff right. With clutter. So when I'm practicing that belief, I can actually see that when I'm living a more simple life.

I am living a more intentional life because my house isn't cluttered with all this extra stuff. My wardrobes aren't cluttered with all this extra clothes, my body isn't cluttered with all this excess weight. So when I'm able to say no, I am basically decluttering my mind and I'm allowing myself to be able to live that simple, intentional life that I want.

It used to show up for me where I used to over pack my calendar with seeing people. And I used to tell myself that no, no, no, I haven't seen them for so long. So I can't say no is rude. If I say no, I used to think the more people I see the better, the more time I give to people the better. But what I've realised is then when I was doing that, I was not giving the time to myself.

Now some of you hearing this may think, no, no. I find it very uncomfortable to give time to myself. I don't even know how to do that. And that's okay if that's coming up for you, but it doesn't mean it's not possible. It just takes that intention of, you know, what I'm actually worth giving some time to myself and I'm gonna make that happen.

if you're struggling with this, it's okay. If you're struggling, that's definitely something that we work on a lot in the group coaching program, because that. Something that so many of my clients struggle with being okay with taking time out, to do something for themselves, which is why actually signing up for the group coaching program was such a big deal for them because they had invested that time, the money, the energy into themselves.

And often that can feel very uncomfortable when you haven't done that otherwise before. Right. So I want you to ask where is saying. yes. To too many things showing up for you. And where would you like to start saying no. Would you like to start saying no to the excess food? Would you like to say no to doing extra things on your calendar?

Would you like to say no to going to the places that you don't want to go to? How could you learn how to say no? So in the group coaching program, this often shows up with. a lot of my clients want to say no to food, but situations come up and they think that those situations mean that they can't say no.

So common ones are, oh, my husband cooked. So how could I say no, he doesn't normally cook. So I want you to show some support. And I often say to my ladies, how can you show support to your husband without eating the food? Because you can show support in so many other. We talk about, you can just literally thank him.

You can give him a hug. You can just talk about how amazing it is that he cooked. That doesn't mean you have to eat the food. They think that no, he'll be offended if I don't. Okay. But him feeling offended is created by a thought in his brain, not by what you do or what you say. And just knowing that.

That I can't actually make him feel offended, can provide a little bit of distance between you creating someone else's feelings, because it's just not possible. If you know the self coaching model, then you know that there's facts in the world. And then we have thoughts about them, which make us feel a certain way, which then make us take certain actions which create our results.

Right? So in this model, If your husband is feeling offended, it's because of a thought in his brain, not by the fact of you saying no. Thank you, right. And if you're like struggling with this, don't worry. This is a new skill that you are learning how to start self coaching yourself, how to start like taking responsibility for your emotional life.

It's a new skill. We don't get taught any of this stuff. It's completely fine that you don't know how to do this yet. If you're not doing it. And if you do then just keep practicing, because this is something that is gonna change your entire life because you learn how to know. Okay. I'm feeling this way because of a thought in my brain, not because of what someone else has said and done.

Okay. It may show up with you not being able to say no when there's free food. Right? So say you go to work and someone's brought in cake and you're like, oh, I can't say no it's free. Or I can't say no, they'll be offended if I don't eat it or I really want it. So I can't say. now, whatever stories you have about saying no, are the ones that you wanna work on because when you keep believing those stories, then you're always gonna keep saying yes to things.

And then you're gonna see the consequences that you're not gonna like. Right. So is it true that you can't say no when there's cake there, how can you make it work for you? If you. do say no. How can you have your own back when you do say no, because often what we do is we say no, and then we beat ourselves up for saying no, but why I want you to learn how to do is say no, and then celebrate yourself because this is something that is difficult for you.

This is something that is hard for you. And so when you are learning how to celebrate that you are building that neural pathway. Encourages your brain to be like, it's okay, look, I'm celebrating this. It means that it's okay to say no. And the more you do this, the more you'll get better at this. It's just a skill, basically.

It's just a habit. And when we do it more often and we create safety and celebration, and we attach that to that, then your brain's like, oh, when I actually say no, I'm celebrating, I'm actually getting that dopamine hit from accomplishment. Okay. So maybe this is something that I want to learn, how to do a little bit more.

maybe this is okay for me to do right now when you are thinking, oh no, no, it's gonna be rude if I, don't eat it, this is just a thought that you are thinking that you have been thinking again and again, and again, when you say yes to others at the expense of yourself, you are being rude to you. You are doing it again and again, and again.

and you can see the result it's creating for you. You just keep saying yes to things and you don't want to, why is it that being rude to other people is more important to you than being rude to yourself? I really want you to just sit with that.

It's okay. If this is hard for you, it's completely. But this is a skill that will completely change everything for you, because then when you say no to others, you are actually learning how to say yes to you. So many of my clients just want to slow down. They want to be more present with their family.

They want to do less and enjoy what they do. And this will happen when you start normalizing saying no. So. there's four steps in doing that. You wanna decide which bit do you wanna work on first? It may be saying no to excess food. So what you want to do is when you're in that situation where you want to say, no, you identify what, the thoughts that are coming up for me right now.

Am I feeling resistant? Am I struggling to say no? What are the thoughts? So the thoughts may be, I can't say no, it's rude. It may be it's selfish to say, no, I'm being lazy when I say no, whatever those thoughts are, these are the thoughts that you want to write down. You wanna create safety and feel the emotion that comes up.

Then you want to redirect your brain to something else. And you can do that when you can write down those thoughts and when you're doing your thought download, you can actually be like, when I'm thinking this thought, this is how I'm feeling. And then this is the action that I take.

I just say yes. So how do I want to redirect my thinking to think something that I actually believe right now that would be slightly better. That will feel a bit better and I will take different action. So that may be it's okay for me to say no. So. I don't have to say no all the time, but you know what if I say no once in 10 times, that's okay.

And you just wanna take baby steps. You just wanna take mini steps and you want to break down some of the thoughts that are coming up for you. Like, it's lazy. Well, I'm being lazy when I say no. Is that really true? That you're being lazy. how much do you actually do? You may just wanna write down all the things that you do.

You may just want to look at that and then ask your brain. Is that, is that a sign of me being lazy or is that a sign of me actually looking after myself, maybe my work is actually to start looking after myself because I've been saying that I'm gonna do this for so long, but I don't do it. Maybe this is my chance to actually be okay with saying.

so that's what I have for you today, ladies. It's okay for you to say no. And when we are saying no, we are learning to say yes to that deepest desire that we have that deepest desire to just have that simpler, calmer life. And it's completely okay. That this is hard for you. If this is something that you're struggling with, then join the group coaching program.

This is definitely something that I'll be able to help you with. If you go to my website, www.amruticoaching.com/group, you'll be able to find out more information about the next enrollment dates, because we are next enrolling in, October for the November class. And for those of you who have joined the group coaching program for August,

You are rock stars. You are so amazing. You are so courageous. And I look forward to the transformation that you're gonna have in the next six months. Let's get started.