How to handle other people's opinionsDec 20, 2022
Hello, everyone and welcome to the podcast, so today, I wanted to set you up for this festive season and I wanted to talk about what to do how to respond when friends, and family have come about your weight and I know that this is such a common problem, especially leading up to the festive, season you're gonna be having lots of Christmas parties, and it may be a time where traditionally, you felt very uncomfortable. And this is the podcast that's gonna help you really get clear on firstly, what did they actually say, how did you respond? What did you make that mean? And how can you learn to provide yourself with what you actually need this festive season?
So let's get started. So firstly, before we actually start, it's been so cold here in the Uk.It's been like minus 5, and I've had snow outside my house for so long, and it's really beautiful, but even with the heating on in my house, it's freezing so I'm just getting used to learning how to be okay, with my heating not being fully on and
I as you can see. If you're watching the video. I'm in my jumper and my tank top not turtle neck.Was this called a turtle neck, is it turtleneck? I'm not really sure, but anyway, a warm top and I am trying to stay as warm as possible, because that's, what it symbolises, to me when I think of the Christmas season, I think of warm I think of festive, I think of films. I think of Christmas Spices so I've been having a lot more hazelnut ginger Cinnamon in my milk so it just tastes, really. Really lovely and yeah, I want to know from you what you've been doing during this festive season, to really help with your festivities.
Okay, let's get started on this week's podcast so other people will have thoughts. They're gonna have thoughts about what you decide to give them for presents. If you do presents, they're gonna have thoughts about what food.There is they're going to have thoughts about what you are eating they're going to have thoughts about your weight. Basically, other people are going to have thoughts full stop. And that's, because they've got a human brain. And the more we try to change them. Having thoughts and trying to manipulate what their thoughts should be about us, or our food, or presence, or anything like that then basically what we're doing is we're fighting a losing Battle because we can't, control what other people think feel or do we literally don't have that power, I mean as a serial people pleaser, I've been there. I've been trying that for the first 3 and a half decades of my life and it hasn't worked it just doesn't work. So that's why I am now becoming much better at allowing people to be themselves and not needing them to change their thoughts. What they feel or what they do towards me because any of those things, anything, they say anything that they're thinking anything that they're feeling, I don't have any power over. And so, when I can understand that then I can know that anything that I do anything I think fit or do is not going to create them to feel a certain way, either as people pieces we often think that I'm doing something, to please, them but technically, if you know the self coaching model pleasing is something that you're you're trying to make them feel a positive emotion like feeling pleased right. But if they're feeling pleased, that's not coming, by what you have said which is just the fact in there, so it's the C. In their C Line. It's actually what you what they choose to think about. What you said so say you're thinking I don't want them to be offended. If I say no to their food, you don't have the power to make them feel offended because they're the feeling of offended comes from their thinking about what you said so if you said the words I am full thank you so I don't want to have seconds they'll only feel offended if they're thinking a thought that makes them feel offended, not because you said no to the food. And that's a really important distinction.
Because when you are blaming yourself for another person, feeling a certain way, then you're always going to like be losing because you can't control that you can't control how they feel because that their feeling comes from their own thinking. Now a lot of my people say, yeah, but doesn't that mean, that I'm just gonna be really selfish and just kind of do what I want all the time and just please myself, and it's very difficult for people pleasers to like just go from being a people pleaser, to be like, not thinking about anyone, right? So is that possibility that you'll just end up doing whatever you want. Yeah, actually, we need more of that we need more of people doing what they actually want. Saying what they actually believe, and actually looking after themselves. We live in a society where that is just not a thing. So when we are able to do that unapologetically. It changes everything. When you're able to say no to a party, because you don't actually want to go, because you've had 3 other parties this week, and you just want to rest. It's okay. To say, no. The other people will get over it, and if they don't, that is on them. If they're feeling, an active emotion is because they're thinking something about using no it's not because you have caused them to feel negatively, right. That's a really important distinction.
Okay, so you will gain freedom when you allow yourself to be yourself, and give yourself what you truly desire. So with the scenario of you know it being the fourth Christmas party, and you wanting to say no because you're actually desiring rest. When you give yourself what you truly desire. That's when you're living, in authentic human experience, right because you're actually being yourself you're actually saying what what feels true to you, you're not people pleasing the other person, so that they don't feel offended right and it will mean saying, no, sometimes it will mean, allowing yourself to trust that it's okay to say No. And actually sometimes you don't even need to give a reason why no can be a complete sentence. Right and to actually understand this, a little bit better I wanted to kind of break it, down into models a little bit for you. So the first thing is when someone says something so I'll give you an example. I have this auntie, who every single time I would put on weight, she would always say, oh, you've put on weight, haven't you I would be really annoyed. I'd be like she's so rude why does she keep saying that and and I know that you probably have some sort of experience like this if you've been struggling with your weight as well, where someone said something inappropriate, I remember once when I was in my hospital, placements, I think I was in ENT at the time in fact it has happened quite a few times, I would have a few nurses come and tap me on my tummy and say, oh, when are you expecting and I'd be like I'm not I'm just fat and and it was really really Uncomfortable and I was yeah, I was so ashamed because I was making it mean. I look pregnant, when I'm not these people, think I'm pregnant, and I'm not I'm just fat and that's how I used to talk to myself, before now I would never speak to myself like that I would say say things to myself like You've just given birth. Of course, you're gonna have some you of course your body would have changed things go wrong, if they thought I was pregnant. That's nothing to do with them If I felt shame is because of what I was making it mean about what they said right so that brings me on to my point of what did they mean to say so when that nurse said to me Hey, are you pregnant, that was her action. What does she mean, like, why did she say that? She was probably feeling curious, like are you pregnant? or feeling excited, and her thought was I'm going to congratulate the doctor. So then she feels excited, and then her action is she taps my tummy, and says, are you pregnant right? But what I heard was her saying. Are you pregnant, and I made that mean. So my thought about that fact was oh, my gosh, I must look so fat because she thinks I'm pregnant when I'm not, which made me feel shame, which made me like awkwardly answer back to her, which made me become a bit defensive, which made me like avoid her which made me catastrophes about everyone's gonna be thinking that, which made me shame myself even more and overly restrict my food, right and then I created that result of me hating my body because I was thinking that I must be so fat and so actually when i'm overly restricting my food, I would then end up ining and so I would create that hat same thing. That I'm thinking I would create that body, that felt unhealthy the actually looked pregnant when I wasn't. And I was bring me on the nurse, but actually, what the nurse said was just unraveling some books that I already have had about myself.
So let's use, that same example about my auntie, so my auntie would say. So her action would be saying Oh, you've put on weight haven't you? And she may have I'm not sure, what fueled her to say that it could have been curiosity. It could have been she's just making a statement, she's just trying to make conversation. I'm not really, sure. But when I heard that when I heard her say oh you've put on weight, haven't you? I made it mean she's so rude she's commenting on my weight. Right. But I could. I could choose to think of it in a way that that actually serves me. Or I could just choose to think. You know what whatever she thinks is on her. Nothing to do with me, and I often do that when I don't want to get involved in the he should he said this and she said this right, because I can just be okay with the fact that other people are gonna have thoughts I can't control those thoughts i've tried for so many years and it hasn't worked. So I'm trying a different way I get to control how I think how I feel, what I do, and what results I create in my life, and other people will always have thoughts. I would never be able to please everyone, and that's, okay, because my job isn't to please, everyone. Because I can't physically, do that it's impossible to please other people, because when they're feeling pleased, it's because of their own thinking. Right. So, if you are feeling a little bit nervous about seeing family members, or friends, this Christmas the reason why I brought this topic up is because I was coaching a client, today, and she was talking about how she's going to be seeing some friends, who she hasn't seen for a Couple of years and since she last saw them. She's put on, I think, she said 11 Kilos in weight, and so she was making that mean so when when that was the fact she was she was thinking I've put on so much weight I look so unattractive which made her feel some shame and the actions she was taking from that shame was trying everything in her power to avoid meeting up with them, reminding herself that she's put on way, and that she shouldn't have, and shaming herself again, and again, and kind of like criticising herself. And so, then when she is taking all of those actions, she's creating the result of needing the food to make herself feel better again. So the thing that she is doing is she's reinforcing, the thought of I shouldn't have let myself go. So much which makes a feel the shame which may actually take actions that are gonna want her to overeat more and then she creates that result for herself. Right, so because this came up in a coaching session, I wanted to give you some tips, and actually let you know that this is a very common thing. It happens very often over the Christmas period over any any Festival really and whenever there's other people involved they're always gonna have opinions, so some of the Tips that I wanted to offer, you were the and were to Anticipate, that other People will have opinions they will have opinions about you your presents, what your decorations are like all of this. They're gonna have opinions, so anticipate that that they are gonna have opinions then the next step is decide how do you want to respond? How do you want to look off to yourself? For me when I'm surrounded by lots of loud people and things, sometimes I just need a break from that, sometimes. I just need some peace. So I plan in advance, that I may just go to the toilet a little bit more, so that I can just breathe, and just have a bit of peace, because I get a little bit overstimulated with too much noise, and too many inputs. And so that's how I look after myself, how are you gonna look after yourself? You may look after yourself by actually practicing how you want to respond to them. When they say these things, then the next step is, how do you want to think about yourself? What do you want to believe about yourself, and remind yourself of that daily and if you're thinking about avoiding seeing them what that means is you want to change the circumstance. You want to change the underlying situation so you don't have to feel a certain way. But what I wanted to remind you of was that them saying anything meeting up with them doesn't create your feelings, it's your thoughts, that create your feelings. And actually, this situation is just highlighting thoughts about yourself that were already there. So when you just avoid the situation, you avoid dealing with those thoughts that were already there in your brain. Those thoughts about yourself that are actually useful, for you to know that will allow for some growth that will allow yourself to get to know yourself better
And just to end I just wanted to say if you have gained weight, or if you are seeing people, if you're feeling uncomfortable in your own skin, just know that people will have thoughts, but the majority of people, are engrossed in how they look in their own story, so they may not even pay any attention to what you're wearing to how you're looking to your food, to your presence, or anything like that because most people most humans, they tend to worry about themselves. So they may not even have any thoughts I like to think about that when I'm feeling overly self- conscious, I like to think in the nicest way, they don't really care about me they care about themselves, and that I say that in the in the calmest way, no in a way that I'm putting them down or anything but as humans we tend to care about ourselves, more than caring about what other people are going through more than like. We tend to judge ourselves more than judging others. So if that is the case where you're thinking they're gonna have so many thoughts about you, you can remind yourself that ahead of time, and then follow the tips that I I talked about in this podcast and decide how you want to treat yourself, ahead of time and anticipate, what the obstacles that may come up what could they say, how do you want to respond? And I'd practice that. And when you do that you'll setting yourself up for success, because people are always going to have thoughts, and no, you can't change what they're thinking you can't change what they think about you you can't change what they say, but what you can do is change how you respond to that and that changes everything.
So try that this Festive season, my friends, and for everyone who is celebrating Christmas a very, very merry Christmas to you, and wishing you happiness, health, wealth, and all things, festive this festive season. I know that there's gonna be some amazing times. And there are going to be some, not so amazing times, this Best of Season, and Just Thinking of all of you who may have been going through a really tough time, this festive season and just sending out an extra big virtual, Hug, table and some extra Love and Strength for those of you who are going through a tough time this festive season. I'm thinking of you, and I'm here to help you if you would like to reach out alright. My friends, I will speak to you next time. Take care, bye, bye.