How coaching transformed my marriage...with a special guest!

Hello, everyone. Welcome to podcast 37. So today I have got an extra special treat for you because of February being the month of relationships. I wanted to highlight some of the relationships that I think would be really useful for you to know. So before I get started and bring on my special guest, I wanted to let you know a little bit about my week.

So I am so thankful to be home. I had the most horrendous journey after last week's podcast. So I, recorded last week's podcast before leaving for the airport. And I was so excited because I was like, yes, I'm going to go home. And this is going to be amazing, but it ended up being. Uh, let's just say another interesting journey.

I had over 24 hours in delays because of weather conditions in Atlanta, there was a big storm and we were rerouted twice. So a journey that normally would take one hour took us nearly 10 hours. And let's just say, I really had to feel my emotions throughout this whole trip because I kept coaching myself and saying it's okay, it's fine.

And by the end of it, Okay. I missed my connecting flight to England. I missed the next connecting flight and I was like, okay, no problem. I'll just get the flight the next day. It's fine. They'll put me up in a hotel and it's fine. So I'd been up for 26 plus hours. Um, yeah, nearly 30 hours.

I'd been up. And, I get to the customer services after waiting two hours in the queue and they say there's no hotels mom, because all of them have been given out to. People whose flights have been canceled. So unfortunately there's nowhere for you to go. And I said, okay, well maybe there's some, a lounge that I can go to, or, you know, some local hotels, unfortunately, all of them have been booked and you can search if you want to, but there's not really anything we can do.

So I search. So I said, what do you want me to do? They were like, look around you. And there were people sleeping on the airport floor. That's the only thing I can suggest right now. Ma'am and I was like, so I just cried. And I was just like, oh my God, this is the worst thing ever. But I realized in that moment that if I can get through that, then I could get through anything.

And it really wasn't the end of the world. I was safe and yeah, I had to wait a little bit, well, a lot and it did feel really uncomfortable, but I felt so. grateful that I was okay. And I was on my way home. So I just wanted to kind of start that off because I wanted you to realize that life isn't all rainbows and daisies.

It's not all hunky dory, things happen, but you can choose to think of it as something that's going to drive you forward or something. That's going to hold you back and you get to decide the story that you tell about it. And I like to think of it as this made me so much stronger. And now when I'm at home with my boys, I appreciate.

Each and every one of them so much more, even when my youngest has a tantrum, I'm like, I mean, I'm there for it. I'm fine with it. Like it's okay. It's just, I miss them so much that it's so nice to be home and even appreciate those things. So bearing that in mind. My guest on the podcast is my favorite person in the whole world.

It is my husband, my love Rick child tree. So I wanted to bring him on the podcast because I wanted to talk about his experience or our relationship, how it has changed and get some nuggets for you so that you can start thinking about how to work to each other's strengths as well. So welcome to the podcast, Rick.

Hey bubs!

So I want to start off by kind of telling the listeners our story. And then, moving on through some of the questions. I haven't prepared you much on purpose because I wanted to kind of just see what came out for you so that they can kind of get to know the real last really. So tell people a little bit about our story, like your version, and then I'll quickly go in with mine.

Okay. Our story. So, uh, our story started in 2004. For those of you who do know me know I'm very good with dates. So, I remember things quite clearly, especially key events throughout life.

Um, so a big one in 2004 was obviously meeting, meeting, Am, and, we got married then in 2012. So coming up to a 10 years very soon, actually Bob's this time, 10 years ago, do you know? I'm going to put you on the spot? No. So this time, 10 years ago, February time, we were both getting ready for our stag and hen do's respective.

So, uh, I remember I went out to Aiya Napa and I think you went out somewhere with your girls to Spain. So this was about 10 years ago today. How much has changed in 10 years? It's just mental.

I think it's also so much has changed, but also so much is still the same. And I love that because it feels like not so long ago that I married you.

Right. And it's so interesting because we were dating for how many years before we got married for a good eight years. Yeah. Eight years. Wasn't it? Yeah. So now we have been together for nearly 18 years. A whole adult age. That's crazy. So I've actually been with you longer than half my life. I hope you say that in a complimentary way.

Yeah. So you're stuck with me basically. So then I wanted to speak to how was our relationship like before children and then when we had our amazing kids, how did it change.

Okay. So before, um, kids was great of the kids was also great before kids was grateful. For many reasons. Obviously we had that, independent element that the independent mindset where we can kind of do what we want on our timings.

I think with kids a lot, obviously change as it is for all the parents out there. We have to focus more around children's timings. And I think the funny thing why I'm spending now is because even the kids now, like, like. The elder one, he's obviously coming up to six and he's got quite a social, busy life now as well.

So we even focus more around our kids calendar. So it's, uh, it's crazy how things changed. But before kids was good, but after kids as well, I think the thing that I find most useful is, is planning. So, You know, finding the right time to do the right things.

Where would, how did we get up to that? Because initially when we started it wasn't like that at all, wasn't it? Like, what was it like immediately after we had kids? How was our relationship different in your eyes? So I think the tricky thing was just. Um, and understanding what it means to be a parent that there's no guidebook out there that teaches you how to do that.

Even the simplest things of changing a nappy to, you know, feeding a child for the first time, I think it was all such a big learning curve for us. And we, we all social people, we like to go out there would like to please everyone we'd like to meet everyone. And to do all of that, whilst learning to be a parent, I think was tough.

And then the toll took out on perhaps our relationship. Perhaps we wanted a lot more alone time. We wanted to just get away from. The funny thing was when, when it was time to change a nappy we used to both look at each other because we were, so we were so shattered and we used to just look at each other thinking, and this, this shattered means tired.

I remember when I was in America, they were like, why are you shattered? But they thought that that meant, um, I was broken from inside, but shattered. It means tired. Exactly. Yeah. So I think that was the biggest, tricky part. Like. Mentally drained out all that physically. It was just so much to learn so much to grasp.

I also think it, um, it manifested with us, shouting at each other a lot more arguing, a lot more. We both had different ways of bringing up the kids. Right. Um, we had a different personality and so I was looking to you to do things my way. And you were looking to me to do things your way and there was a lot of friction there.

We didn't agree on everything. And then we had other people, very well-meaning people, you know, giving their opinions and as first-time parents, it was very much like, wait, what's right. What do we, how do we even like, do this? And then look after ourselves. And so I think for both of us, especially me, I'd say, it really took its toll in terms of, we didn't really make time for ourselves really.

Right. It was very much all about the. We need to do everything for the kid. And I think in my mind, everything changed in the sense that it's not about me anymore. It's about the child it's like about making sure that the child is okay and things like that. And so from before, having kids, it was very much about, you know, looking after ourselves, us being a coupled, spending time together and things.

And I think immediately after we'd had children, it changed, right. The dynamic completely changed. What do you. Yeah, the dynamic changed. Exactly that. And I think, I think you struggled with this perhaps a little bit more than I did, especially. Being a mum for the first time out, carrying something within the, for so long and then it coming out and then you're feeling that sense of responsibility, I suppose, with me as well.

I still did a lot of my, my stuff. Like, um, I was very conscious of the fact that, you know, life doesn't stop when you have children. Yes. I agree with everything you said that it did change first that's because I was quite hands on. I wanted to be. An active involved father figure, especially from the off, but at the same time, I think I found it a bit more easier to think.

Hang on. I still got a life of my own. We've still got a life as a couple, then we're parents, you know, I kind of had it in that order. And I think I didn't struggle with that as much as perhaps you did in. That is so interesting because now I, after coaching, I feel completely different about this.

And you have this from the offset really. Right. And I used to think you were so selfish. I was like, well, can you go do your own exercise when Yvonne needs a feed or something like that, and don't get me wrong, you would always try and sort them out, but you would always be like, no, no, this is my time.

I'm going to go. I used to think, how can you be so selfish? How come I don't get this time? But in reality, what was happening is that I wasn't giving myself that time. And you would always say to me, Bob's go and do your own thing. It's okay. I've got him, but I wouldn't allow myself to do that because I was also expecting you to do things exactly the way I did them.

And when you didn't do it exactly my way, I was like, he's not doing it well enough. So I can't even leave him, you know, things like that. And that was like,

Yeah. Oh my gosh. You are learning. I love it. When Rick talks about some of the things that I teach, because I'm like I harp on about it all day long and maybe he's picking up on obviously. Yeah. I think it does strike out that, that manual part, because it's true. It's not just you it's it's the whole world.

It's um, it's people who love each other as well. They do. Unknowingly have a manual for them because they expect them to be in a certain way, behave in a certain way. You know, when things are good, things are great. But when things go a little bit off, they think, well, why doesn't this person understand me?

I thought they get me. I thought they loved me. And it's the stories we make it mean about. What they've done. So it's not like you were going to do the exercise. I was making it mean he doesn't respect me. He's not taking the child off my hands. So that means he doesn't respect our relationship. I was making it mean all of these things, but at the time I didn't even realise I was making it mean that, and so that's what was causing a little bit of a friction in our relationship then, right.

Because we weren't on the same page then. Yeah. No. Exactly. And I think you mentioned as well, I used to try to encourage you to kind of do your own thing, but I mean, it's easier said than done. I don't want you to be too hard on yourself when you look back as well, because it was, it was a difficult time.

And like you said, we don't come with it with a guide book to teach us. Look, you've got to remember to put yourself first, um, you know, not have manuals, et cetera. Yeah. I think when you look back, as long as I think you think probably, yeah, I could have just let Rick do this. It's interesting. I don't actually think that anymore.

I think that everything happened for a reason, because I think that then when very was born our second that's when things got, well, you described what it was like for you and I'll tell, tell them what was like. Yeah. Um, I don't know why. I think, uh, other other parents who've got more than one child agree, but it is somewhat easier when you have more than one or you've had your first because you know, kind of what to do, but you know, the baby stuff, obviously it had its toll then as well, because it's like, there's two of us adults and then there's two kids.

So it's like, one-on-one where I looked off the Vinnie more. I think you had Vivaan more. You know, I think, I think that does have a bit of a, a toll on like immediate relationships. Like I think Vinnie really perhaps craved your love a little bit more, perhaps you weren't always there naturally like every month, because for the second or third time and me with very, I think I always told you as well.

I do feel like he was as connected to me initially. And I think, you know, in the last couple of years or so, we've really been conscious about that. And I think, you know, we've, we've developed our own one-to-one relationships with the children as well. And I think we've really turned the corner with that has changed really in that.

What's changed. I think, um, I think it does coincide a lot with the, the mindset and also the, I think you started coaching quite a lot as well, so changed a lot of your, your way of thinking. That brings me on to the next, that brings me onto the next bit, so to speak, um, at the same time as you. Uh, how did you notice that when I started then getting coached, because I got started getting coached a little bit after Vinnie's first birthday or so.

Right. So I got, I started getting coached for everyone who's listening, I started getting coached for my weight. Really. I was like, okay, I'm going to hire a life coach, but to help me lose weight because I've been listening to podcasts and things, and I was like, look, this really resonates with me.

I've tried everything else under the sun. Let me try. So I had no idea this was going to change anything else in my relationship with my kids or my husband or myself. I just thought I was going to lose a bit of weight. but things obviously completely revolutionised, but I wanted to hear from Rick's point of view, cause you hear it from my point of view all the time.

So how did I change by when I got coached?

I think the biggest thing was, I think it was the mindset, I think, um, You started seeing things a bit differently, where, where you would focus more on the flaws or things like, oh, we haven't got this or, or Rick, you're not doing this. Or, you know, those kinds of things, it just turned, it turned around.

I think it was very much. Do you know, what it's, it was more of an abundant mindset. Like we've got this, we're doing this we're together. You know, the single parents out there, we don't have this there's people live in, you know, in places that are not big. Uh, to, to have a family life, there's people going through illnesses.

So it's very much like, do you know what? We're, we're healthy, we're happy. We've got a family. It was very much looking at the pros of things. Uh, we also like, you know, had each other support. So way before I was saying to you, bub, why don't you go and exercise? But it wasn't like a dig at you to go do that because it was more just to go and get some time for yourself.

It really helps with the mind clearing the mind down and getting away from, from the kids, getting to exercise, I would be like, he thinks I'm fat. Oh, that was probably the biggest thing. Classic wall. I was just saying the classic wall. Do you remember? I used to wind you up by saying, oh, bubs look, you're putting up your wall again.

Because every time I have to say something with good intentions, like, you know, go and do this, or try and do that. Or have you thought about this? It was very much like you perhaps thought I was coming from a place of attack. Like you're not doing this. Why don't you try and do this? That's my stress response.

Right? Because I, that you were. Digging at me. And I was in my head. I was like, I'm urging so much. How dare he say this? About my parenting or me no exercising or whatever. So it would, it would be my defensive wall that would come up. Right. And so it was really funny because now we can laugh about, oh no, there's a wall coming up when we're arguing or whatever, you'll be like, oh, look, there's your wall.

Or I can say the same thing. Oh, look, there's your wall. Or. Oh, I can say things like, am I going to get the silent treatment for two days now? That's so funny because, you know, um, though you used to put your wall up, like, like you just said, um, I I'm the one who gets into more of a strop, so I'm the one who would hold the grudge for the two days, three days.

You know, and, it wasn't nice for any anyone, or to be fair, but I think that's one positive thing that I've taken from you coaching because you're so positive. You don't pull up the wall, any more or as much and as much. No, one's perfect. No, one's perfect. There's always room for improvement. Um, but same with me.

I think that positive influence and I thought to myself, do you know, look at her, she's being the more mature person she's taking on board my feedback. So when it's the other way around and I get into a stop, I should think to myself as well, what's this achieving we not talking to you for days is only going to upset even me more than you.

So I just thought to myself, hang on a second. One person to do all this and change, you know, that's going to have a positive impact on the other person in the relationship, even without that person trying, because I didn't consciously do anything to change this, but because of your mindset, it's just really bounced or those positive vibes and energies that really bounced off onto me.

Oh, interesting to hear, because I always talk about your relationship with someone is your thoughts about the other person, right. Basically our relationship improved because I was improving my thoughts about you. I didn't expect you to change. You didn't expect you didn't change really at all. You didn't get coached or anything like that, but I run it because I wasn't expecting you to change.

And I was accepting you for who you were. What was really interesting is the things that I used to find annoying about you weren't as annoying, and I was just accepting you for you. And then when I was at that place, I was able to see everything that you word. All the things that I wasn't even like being able to acknowledge before, because I wasn't even able to see it.

And so what you just said right now really hits the nail on the head that even though one person is getting coached. So ladies, even if you are just getting coached, this would improve your relationship with your husband because, or wife or partner, because you are in a better, mind frame, you are in a better mindset and you are accepting everything that's there.

So even though you're not expecting the other person to change, ironically, they do end up changing because they see that you're being more of yourself and they, most of the time end up changing too. Now we don't expect them to change, of course not. But when they see you being more of yourself, they end up being more of themselves and drop their kind of defence walls and things like that as well. Right. I think that's it nail on the head. It's the thoughts. When you start to change your thoughts, that does have a powerful impact on the people around you. And again, like you've mentioned, I've never been coached.

I don't have much insight into it or need the, you know, the, the, the things that you talk about, but. I think it's also just it's, like I said, it's such a positive influence. I mean, not just with us, but my relationship with other people then going forward, because I see the way you are with other people.

And I just think to myself where you had stress about, you know, saying no to people in the past or where you'd stress about what would other people think. You know, it's quite, funny. I'm laughing because you do come across as quite a confident person, but behind closed doors, you're not always been that confident.

You've always had some anxiety. You've always had some nervousness, and only, you know, people close to you would know that. I think with coaching now, you're so comfortable with yourself. You're so comfortable with your own thoughts.

It doesn't scare you as much. And I think that's just such a big, you know, inspiring influence and people around you, especially me to think, wow, you know, she can be alone by herself without worrying or without thinking, oh, I'm annoyed about this, or I'm angry about this. This person's done that. He said that she said this it's more just like.

You know, again, the positive abundance mindset. I've got everything I need. I'm not going to allow, I'm not going to give that power to someone else to tell me how to feel. Yes. Oh my goodness. I'm also speaking from my behalf. It's all because like I said, it's had a positive effect for me. Yeah. And I think that's really important for people to know, because people may look at me and think, oh, she's always been like confident and a crowd pleaser, things like that. That is just not true. This is someone who never used to post on social media ever to going to become an entrepreneur who posts nearly daily. That's a big deal. Like I had to really develop the self-confidence in me and then be able to be competent from inside because before I was confident on the outside, but no one saw my internal anguish.

I used to wake up with anxiety every single day, I still do, but now I just, it's just not as much of a problem anymore because I'm used to it. I normalise it and it's just a part of me and I'm, and I'm okay with it. And actually I like talking about it because people don't realise that that is the case.

It is, and it doesn't mean that it has to cripple you, you can learn how to manage these parts of you as well, that you may have shame over and things. So I had a lot of shame over my anxiety, thinking you have everything. Why aren't you being grateful and all of this.

But now I realise that it's just an imbalance of the hormones in my brain. And it's, there's nothing that's gone wrong. So, okay. That is so amazing. Thank you for, talking about that now, just moving on to, how do we work to each other's strengths? Because this is something that we do really well, and I kind of just wanted to touch on how do we do that.

Yeah, really, really good point there. And I think. you and I were perceived as those while I suppose the opposite of those historically perceived at male versus female roles, personalities, right. We're completely the opposite. Um, we will say as a joke, I'm more the girl in the relationship and you're the bloke.

Um, and what we mean by this is, um, you know, this is cooking aside (because Rick doesn't do much of the cooking in the house.) That's the honest truth about that. And I'm saying it, we, we challenge all the patriarchy don't we? In fact, my wall goes up just thinking about it. I'm like, hell no, my kids will learn everything.

Not boy, girl things. No, no. I'm very supportive of that as well. And like I said, the so-called perceived male versus female. I'm very much a. Um, the reason why we say this is because I'm very quality driven. So I'm very, like everything needs to be tidy. Everything needs to be cleaned. There needs to be a certain way of presenting things, especially when people come, you know, the, the vacuuming, you know, the, just the general sort of organising of things in life.

You should see our calendars are kind of good now, but one year ago, I don't think you had the calendar fair. Right? Whereas I've always had a calendar all my life. I've been really focused on timings 11 to 12, 11:15 to 12:15, even if need be. so it's just that, that, that quality mindset and where I focus on one thing, I give it my all, whether it's even doing the dishes, I might spend longer doing it, but it'd be, you know, Um, whereas yourself, it's more about quantity and just churning out tasks.

So to be fair, that's also inspiring to me because you get shit done, get things done a lot more faster and swifter than I do. And different from before, because I never used to be like this. No, no. And I think, especially with like around people, I think let's go back to the part where it was saying no to people before you would say yes to literally everything.

I think this also played a part because you didn't really have much of a calendar, so you'd put things in you'd over. We tried to get from one restaurant to go to another mate's house or something like that. And then with kids on top of it, it just became never impossible. I think, you know, we're known to be that couple of, or, you know, that, that always get late to places as well, especially you.

Yeah, you're known as the late one. Um, and, and the reason for that is because we over committed, but I think that's a, been a big turning point since perhaps again, during that time when you started coaching, because you've become a lot more organized though. You don't have that A-star quality mindset.

And I think you talk a lot about B minus work. I think that's great. That's great because you still do a great job. However it isn't. pinch perfect. And that's kind of what I'm trying to learn as well for you or at the same time for you? I think by it being more organized. With your chain of events. I think that's really helped you to say no.

Be organized, do what you want to do, on your timings as well. Not just working on everyone else's timings. I think that's been a really big plus point. I love what you said about the. So it's so funny because you are picking up on all of these things. I love it. I just love it. Um, but yeah, so I wrote it because you used to be acting, everyone knows, but you are lucky you used to be an a star students.

Okay. I still am working to, uh, get to B minus, but just think how you used to feel when. Uh, I don't know if you ever got a, B minus, if you got an A and not an A star, just think about that thought that you used to feel back in school and you weren't okay with that. So I think that mindset is, it's not a bad thing because you strive to, you know, not perfection, but you strive to always get the best that you could possibly get.

So I don't think it's all about. But at the same time, I think it's just having a bit of compassion for yourself. I think that's where I lacked. Right? Because I was always in the, a star, like, you know, being a medic, being a high achiever, it was very much. If you don't get the best, then you keep trying until you get the best.

Whereas that would hold me back so much because I wouldn't get so many things done. It's kind of like, you know, when you asked me to buy something pubs, right? It would be like, okay, no, I need to research the best thing I need to do this. I need to do. And then it would never get done and you'd be like two weeks later, did you buy it for me?

And I'm like, oh no, I was still researching yet. You would like just buy the thing. And I'm like, oh yeah, yeah, I'll buy it. And then it would just never get done because of that perfectionistic mindset of, no, I need to research it. I need to get it from the best place I need to, you know, make sure it's the best price and all of this.

Right. And I think you were going to say something about how you've noticed a change in that as well. Yeah, definitely. I think that, that brings us a little bit nice. Perhaps money mindset, if you don't mind me talking a little bit about that. So. You know, that that example that you gave about buying things and doing the research, I think there was an element of perhaps with you just ensuring that you've got the best deal possible.

You do want it to ensure that, you know, you're not being ripped off. You're someone who doesn't like being ripped off, even if it's not money-wise I remember. Was there a honeymoon. We went to Thailand a few years after our marriage. And, uh, and we went to, you might not remember this, but we went to different hotels and we were telling people up here on our honeymoon and we used to get pumped up and they used to give us cakes and all sorts of nice treats.

And we went to Cambodia and we, when we got there in Phnom Penh, I think we stayed there for the night we got there. We said this is our honeymoon. And they offered us a couple of fruits or something and I'm laughing because we had the expectation, not just you. I think both of us has that, especially. Oh, is this it?

But for me it was okay, fine. This is it. It's fine. You know, I, I don't really care too much, but for you, it's very much. How can they not, you know, understand it's our honeymoon everywhere we've been, they've been so, you know, courteous and they've given us so many like nice treats and bumped us up hotel rooms, and we come in and they've just given us this.

And he was like, even though you didn't want to complain to them, you still vented out to me because. It was the scarcity, right. The scarcity mindset. And it's so interesting because when you have scarcity mindset in one area, it often shows up in other areas. Right? So for me, I definitely had money scarcity, where it was like showing up as I need to get the best deal.

I don't want to spend my money on things that aren't worth it. Even when you start making money, it's kind of like, oh, it's going to run out. So I need to hoard my money. I can't spend it. I can't spend it on. On things that I just want to buy. And a lot of people, a lot of our minds will kind of say, well, no, this is me being sensible, but it's not about that.

What I also used to do is go and spend it on all the clothes under the sun, but like cheap, cheap ones, as opposed to once I'm going to, that are gonna last me and stuff. Yeah, exactly. And so I would, then it was that, that scarcity, right. I need to like gather all the clothes I need to like hoard it all.

I need to keep it all with me because it's then going to go away. Right. And that often shows up with food as well. Right. If you have food scarcity, um, and if you haven't listened to this podcast, go and listen to the food scarcity podcast. I can't remember which one it is, but it's on the list.

When you have good scarcity, it's very much like, oh, I'm not going to get it tomorrow. So I better eat it now, or I'm going to be hungry later. So let me eat it now. Or I've come to this place. I don't normally come. Let me just have the dessert. And the, the, you know, the starters and everything. Don't noromally get to go on date night. Oh, let me just eat it all. And so I've really had to work. Scarcity. And that's been something that you've noticed a lot that has changed. I also time scarcity right before it was like, I don't have enough time. I've got so much to do. Um, there's never enough time to do everything now, when you just take that step back and go into abundance and just be like, well, actually I've got enough time to do everything that I want to do.

I've got enough money to do everything that I want to do. And actually there's so much food around. I'm never going to go without when you adopt that in one area, it ends up spilling over to other areas. Completely completely spot on. Yeah. I think it helps all areas of life. And I think that's that, that that's also helped with how we plan for things as well.

Um, for example, if we have got a date night or meeting friends, if you've got a social, we try and plan for that. So, you know, it's okay to have a dessert or it's okay to, you know, go a little bit all out. But as long as. You know, we were conscious about that. We know what we're doing with, even if we haven't thought about it beforehand, just being okay with that again, I think you mentioned the word compassion before, just, just being compassionate with yourself.

Um, you know, we're both quite into our health and our fitness, and I think we we've always beat ourselves up over the years to think of how we've done so well, we don't take so many strides forward and then something happens and then we take even more, many as many strides back. And that really, that really hurts.

And I think that's really, that's been really difficult. For both of us to comprehend in the past. But I think now, because we're, so, you know, we're okay with that. We're okay. We're doing things. Um, Yeah, like life has to continue. I think with COVID I think we struggled a bit more because obviously everything stopped and we got into a really good routine at home.

Especially with the kids and during the two weeks is in the morning and, uh, you know, all the rest of it, like the whole world was doing. I think that was really good. But then we really struggled to go back out because we thought, oh God, it's gonna, it's gonna all fall over now. You know, we're gonna go to socials.

We're not going to do as much exercise. We're going to have late nights. But we did it. I think that's, that's another turning point for us. We thought to ourselves, no, we could do both. It's just the band. We learn how to say no to other things so that we could say yes to ourselves and our family.

Right. Which brings us onto my next point. So. One of the things that I think really works for us is that now we look at advance our week and we sit down and have like a meal together and we look at our calendars and we kind of think, okay, this is going to be happening. How can we plan for this?

How can we know that you're going to be doing this pickup, I'll be doing this pickup. We've got to pack this present. We've got to have this ready, you know, just so we are both on the same page. I think that's been a major turning point, in our kind of. Yeah, I'm, I'm, I'm smiling bugs because I'm thinking your listeners are probably thinking, do they actually think that there are a couple and they like sit down and they talk about their calendar for the week?

It sounds a bit, it sounds a bit formal, right? We're literally having a lovely meal together. Really? No. Yeah, we just, I think that's a better way of putting it. We're just catching up. We're just, just talking about, you know, just to see what what's, what's coming ahead for the week really, really helps. Uh, we just, on the, again, we're just aligning our thought process to ensure that there's no, misunderstandings, we both know what we're doing and you know, we both have quite busy lives professionally. So it's, it's always hard to, catch up sometimes, especially in the working hours and then obviously in the evenings, just the usual kid stuff. So having that time out on a Saturday or Sunday, just for an hour, over lunch, literally we put our kids in the front room as well, and we put the TV on if we need.

We do that. and just, just because it's important just to have that connection, without the kids, um, really, really helps to just have that adult conversation as well. And then, uh, like, like I said, just having our thoughts, align, I find that's really positive and really beneficial. I think that was a big thing for me, wasn't it?

Because we had two kids on two and initially it was very much like no screen time. And I was a very militant mum and I had to really let go of a lot of those rules that I imposed on myself. Because I had these rules of, if I do this, this and this, then I'm a good mum.

And if I don't do this, this and this, then I'm not a good mom. And so, because I had that black and white thinking that kind of all or nothing thinking it, I found it very hard to allow myself to do anything different. So during coaching, I was able to identify some of those things and questions. Some of those beliefs.

And so that's why putting the TV on for an hour. Sometimes two, sometimes three for the kids. I don't think of it as a bad thing anymore. It's kind of like, yeah, they don't watch it all the time, but when they do at least Rick and I can have a conversation and that's okay. Right. and it's actually really fun because everyone's happy.

Yeah, exactly bubs there's a time and a place for everything. I think the other point I wanted to touch on is that. It sounds, it sounds a bit funny when I say we make time, but we, we have that time for certain things in life. We have time with our kids, you know, every night we read with them for, for a good amount of time.

And we pray together. We eat together. These are really important things for us as a family. So I agree with you that having that screen time or having a tree, away from their healthy foods is not the end of the world. Like that's just our process. I'm not, I, I don't expect everyone to agree with that, but that works for us.

Yeah. It works for us. I think that, we do make time for time as, as a family together. Time for Rick and I together, and then time for us to do our own things as well. And that's not just for us as adults, but also for the kids. We are very pro. They can figure it out by themselves. They can get a little bit bored.

We don't always need to entertain them because we've noticed haven't we, that actually, when we allow them to be bored, that's when their creativity comes out. That's when they come out, it's amazing. They from the books, they'll create a car and then play with that for two hours. And that never used to be the case.

We had to go through that discomfort of, let me, I'm bored. Mommy. I'm bored. I'm bored. I'm bored for like so long and then allow them to go through that discomfort themselves. And then, The creativity came out the other side. Right. Totally. Totally. And I think that's enabled us to be a bit more patient as well because before we would just snap, right.

We would just think like, oh, we just don't have a break where you give us a break, like, or, you know, play with your brother, go and do this or come and do some let's do some writing. Let's do some reading. It was, it was always busy. It would be in a, in a place of like, with a negative tone as opposed to with a positive.

Um, and now it's like, well, look, we've given them that creative time. Now that it's time to read with them or work with them or do something with them. I think we come across a bit more positive as well because we've had that time to ourselves with each other and with the family. I think that that has enabled us to really be better parents.

Right. And better partners to each. And better to ourselves. Because we've had that time for each of those things and we allocate that. Right. So why I also wanted to touch on, is what do we do when we're going out now? Like, before it always used to revolve around food.

Now, what kinds of things do we. Yeah, we plan for, for non food related activity sometimes too. You know, if we've got a date night, we were meant to get you remember bubs we were meant to go Axe, throwing something. This is cool. One that my brother told me about. So we're going to try that next time, but, um, You know, when we go out, it doesn't always have to be a meal.

I know that's, I think in 80% of social gatherings, there's always a restaurant or a bar, involved, with people like to socialise because let's be honest. That is the best way to socialise because you can sit down, you can enjoy food, you can enjoy company. But you can also do that going, you know, for, for long strolls, which is what we do.

I think that that helps go for family walks, going for walks alone. Again, I'm laughing because we set time out on a Thursday afternoon, one hour to go out for a walk, but that really works for us. I'm not saying. that you shouldn't be spontaneous, you should, but if you can plan that as well, then at least, you know, you've, you've, you've got spontaneity, I think is a little bit overrated.

You can plan time for spontaneity, but when you are like, I never used to be like this. They used to be like, let's just go on the whim. But actually what I realised is that planning enabled us to be much more free. We had so much more freedom from doing the things that we actually want to do when we plan them.

I actually completely loved planning now and I'm dyslexic. So I find it really hard to stick to routines and things like that. I'm naturally quite messy. I'm quite creative. And I think one of the turning points in our relationship was when I was able to own up to the things that I struggled. And not, when you used to say things about me, like, oh, it's such a mess or whatever, I didn't make it mean anything bad about me, but I was able to own that.

Okay. Yeah. I'm not perfect. I am a bit messy. I, yeah, I do kind of leave things around and yeah. And when I was able to own that, then when Rick said it to me, I wasn't taking as, as like a dig at me. it just helped that defensive wall come down. And so I think that even when you are able to do that, Rick, it really helped our relationship.

Right. Because we were able to be like, let's just own our mistakes and own the things that we don't do as well. And then it just helps ease and diffuse the situation so much. It really, really does. Yeah. And I think, the reason why we're critical with the ones we love is because we love them. I think sometimes we say things from a place of love, but they can come across as bullyish looking down upon, but, uh, you know, I think, and the, and the reason why the other person takes you on too high is because they love them back. Or alternatively, they think they've got a point. Yeah. The only reason you get defensive is because you see some truth in what the other person is saying.

Even if you're horrified by what they say, the only reason you're going to get defensive about it is because there's some truth. You think there's some truth in what the. Right. Yeah. Okay. So we're coming to the end of our conversation nearly. I just wanted to touch on very briefly. What was it like when I was in America and what's it like now?

Oh gosh. When you were in America, I think. Um, okay. So let's break that, that, that time away into two parts. So one was the first half of the week where it was all planned and, we planned everything to the T , the sleepovers, on the weekends, , the in-laws, food arrangements going to my mom's place, me doing the school runs, homeworks, et cetera, et cetera, everything was planned to the team.

And I, I blocked out my diary for four for children's stuff. And then I worked around that. And then the latter half of the week, the second part of the America where you were away unexpectedly because of COVID again, we mirrored the first week. So it was okay, but it was difficult. It was really difficult.

You know, I said it to my boss the other day, hats off to all the single parents out there because it's, it's, it's, it's hard. Parenting with two people is hard, but on your own is even a lot more tougher, but, um, Yeah, I learned a lot and, um, I'm glad we did it to be fair to some, we I'm glad we did that.

And, uh, anyway, so I got to go through that discomfort. Right. And we both come out stronger and I think it's really improved our parenting because since I've been back, I think we've completely been on a whole new level, which has been really amazing. Okay. Any last words for my listeners that you think would be useful for them?

Just, just open-minded, being open-minded and, not being, you know, having that compassion for yourself as well. I think a lot of people beat themselves up. I'm talking from my own experience. I I've also suffered with anxiety as well. And, I always think I'm not good enough. So having a bit of compassion for yourself, having a bit of compassion for your partners and people around you, but it will start with yourself.

So start feeding it yourself and then you can give it to the people over. Yeah, that is like the best thing that you could ever say to anyone. Right? Because when we do start improving that relationship with ourselves, which is what we do in coaching, this is why your relationships with everyone around you improve, because you're not expecting the other person to make you feel better.

Right. Yeah, that is amazing. I have really enjoyed our conversation today. Thank you so much for coming on. And I know that you were like, what am I going to say on the podcast? But it's, I think it's going to be a really useful conversation for all of my listeners. And I really appreciate you coming on.

You're very welcome and I love you and I'm pleased at what you're doing and continue inspiring people. And I'm going to go put the heating on. Okay. I'll let you put the heating on today. Okay, babe. Bye!