Handling other people's opinions

Hi ladies, welcome to the podcast. So today I am still in my creative zone, and I've been listening to so many podcasts recently, and I've been really trying to hone in on some of the ideas that I think would be really useful for you in your weight loss journey.

So this is one that comes up quite often with my clients, and I know that it will be something that will help you to, and it is how to handle questions from other people.

When you are trying to lose weight or when you're trying to be on a particular lifestyle intervention or trying to diet, however you want to name it, how to handle questions from other people. Well, how to handle opinions of other people when you are trying a new regime. Now, most of my clients feel quite uncomfortable because they feel that it's quite a personal thing.

They think that they're already struggling with this weight loss and they shouldn't have to explain themselves to other people and that the other people shouldn't be asking, they shouldn't be commenting. And that this is just very awkward and they don't want to deal with it. And it's often because they judged themselves because they think.

I don't want to have to tell anyone about this because I feel shame that I also have to deal with this. And a lot of my clients think that they're the only ones dealing with this kind of issue. And it's because when they have the thought, I'm the only one dealing with this issue, then their brain will try and prove that thought true.

Right. Because what you think becomes your result. So there's something called negative cognitive bias. So when you are thinking a thought your brain goes to work to prove it true. So if you're thinking I'm the only person who suffers with this, your brain is going to show you all the people who don't suffer with their food or with their weight.

And it's going to show you none of the people who are currently suffering with their weight or with their food. So. A lot of the reasons why my clients find this uncomfortable is because they believe that they are the only one who is struggling. They believe that no one else is struggling with this kind of issue.

And even if they know intellectually, their brain always shows them evidence of all the people who don't struggle with their food. Right. Because they've got this thought. So bringing it back to. What do you tell other people? So say you have joined the group coaching program and you've decided on a protocol and say, you've got a social event and you're worried about what do I tell other people?

Do you tell them what you're doing or do you lie to them? And a lot of us have been in these situations where we think, okay, do you know what? It's just easier to lie to them rather than tell them and explain to them and, Go into depth because firstly, I don't want to tell them everything.

And a lot of the reason why people don't want to tell other people is because they don't trust that they're going to be able to get the result that they want. And they think that I have to create the result first and then I can tell them what I did because when you are having the belief that I know I'm going to get there, then you wouldn't be worried to tell the people you'd be like, hell yes, I know I'm going to get there.

This is what I'm doing. And this is what. But when you've got that doubt in you, that I don't know if I'm going to get to the goal that I want to get to, then you're going to feel doubtful. You're going to take the action of trying to keep it a secret. Not telling anyone about it until you've gotten to the result, because you think that the result is going to make you feel better and make you feel confident.

But that just is just not the case. You've got to believe in that first. Right? So bringing it back to. So many of us have made excuses, right. And thought it's easier to lie to them than actually tell them the truth. Right. So I know myself, when I didn't want to drink, because I was trying to watch my weight, I would say things like, oh no, I'm taking some medication.

So many of the times people thought I was pregnant, but I wasn't pregnant. It was just that I didn't want to consume the alcohol. Right? A lot of the time people would say, Hey, you can have this alcohol, this is just very lightly alcoholic. And you could just have one, it's not going to interfere so much.

So when I was trying to make excuses, so many people try to change it so that I could still have it. So when I said, oh no, no, I'm driving. So that's why I'm not drinking. A lot of people would say, oh, okay, well just have one then, you know, it's fine just to have one and then, then it'll be fine.

So what happened is when I was trying to bend the truth, it actually got me in even more trouble because I was like, what do I say to this now? They're just not budging and I used to feel really frustrated. And why realized is that I was only feeling frustrated because I was feeling trapped and it was only because I didn't feel comfortable to tell them the truth.

Right. So. Another thing is a lot of my clients think, do you know what to avoid all of this to avoid people asking? I might as well just not go out. I might as well just not socialize with these people. I might as well keep myself to myself for the time that I'm losing the weight. And then I'll start socializing.

But when you do that, what you're doing is you are missing out on all social events. You are thinking that seeing people will make you feel something, what other people say will make you feel something, but that's only because. Most of my clients think that the only option is either sticking to protocol or, handling other people's opinions.

Right. They don't think that there's a, there's another way, but there is another way. What if, what other people said to you? didn't even both of you, that could be an option too, right? Because whatever anyone says to you.

Is a circumstance in your model. It's just a fact. And that never makes you feel a certain way. It's only when you think a thought about what they say that you feel that emotion. So no one can ever make you feel a certain way. It's only when you have a thought about what they say that makes you feel whatever you're feeling, but why is it so hard for so many.

It's because so many people think that other people will say things and then they will feel a certain way. Right? So many people think that I'm going to feel, uncomfortable when they say these things. We think other people's reactions will make us feel bad, but actually it is our own thinking about what they're saying or what their reactions are that makes us feel.

So I initially found it really hard. I used to not want to go to social events because I was like, I don't really want to have to explain it to my family. And it's mainly because I'd been on so many diets in the past that having to tell them that I was doing this new thing, I felt a lot of shame around.

And there was also a little bit of doubt in my own brain that would I be able to get to the gold weight that I had always wanted to get to because I was using my past as evidence for my future. I was thinking so many times in the past, I had wanted to lose weight and I had lost a bit, but then I'd gained it all back.

And so my brain was thinking, this is just going to happen again. So do you really want to have to go through the discomfort of telling people that you're on yet, another diet when it's not going to work anyway, but that's what I had to change during the coaching relationship. Because as you know, what you think shows up in your result line, right?

So if I'm thinking, look, starting to get another thing, but I know that it's not going to work for me. Then I would feel disheartened. And then I would take the actions of, cheating on myself and not going fully all in, not always processing my urges, sometimes not planning my food. And then I would create that result that I was actually fearing that I started yet another thing and I didn't finish it.

So I would just prove that bought true. So I had to change the way I was thinking about my self, about my. Lifestyle change about how I wanted to think about it for my own self. And when I got clear on, Hey, this is something that is actually permanent for me, this is something that I'm going to do for the rest of my life.

This is how I want to eat. This is something that I'm choosing to do. That's when it became so much easier to say it to other people, because I believed it. And so when I was able to change my own thinking about it, it didn't bother me as much what other people thought, because I was allowing them to have their own opinion.

But when my own opinion of what I was doing was so strong, what other people thought about it didn't really bother me. Right. So how can this change? How can you start not worrying so much about what other people think about what lifestyle change you're making, or what diet your undertaking and the way to do that is to start paying attention to what you're thinking about, what other people say.

So for example, if they said, oh, you're no longer fun, because you're always on a diet, what do you make that. Do you believe them? Do you think that yeah, there's actually something right. About what they're saying. What is it that you make it mean? Because if you can't control everyone, then how do you want to show up?

Because if you don't change the way you're thinking, the alternative is trying to control everyone else. And as you know, that's impossible. And then on the other way is only interacting with people who agree with you. And that's also impossible because you're going to have to interact with so many people in this world.

And a lot of people will not agree with what you're doing. So why does that not have to be a problem? It doesn't have to be a problem because you get to decide how you want to react to what they say. So I want you to start paying attention to your thinking and what you are making it. Now you're going to encounter so many people on this journey.

You're going to encounter people who, when you're starting a new regime who won't even notice, and you're going to be like, oh my gosh, I didn't know that. because in your brain it's such a big deal, right? It's such a big thing that you're doing and everything like that. So you just expect that everyone's going to notice, but there will be people who just don't notice it.

Then there will be another group of people who are really supportive of what you're doing. They may be interested. They may ask you questions. They will cheer you on. And then there will be another group of people who think that what you're doing isn't right. Who asked you to make exceptions who keep asking?

When are you going to stop this? Who keeps saying you're no longer fun because you're doing. Who keeps saying, you better be drinking for my birthday. Who keeps saying, when you come on holiday with me, you better not be doing this silly diet. Right. I know you can relate to this because all of my clients come to me with this kind of thing.

And what I want you to think about is in your brain. You're probably thinking the majority of the time about the people who don't agree with, what. But when you open your brain up to everyone else, what else do you notice when you are clear on your own reasons for doing it and how clear you are on, on the path that you're taking?

It doesn't really bother you. What other people say. And when you're in that space, you'll be able to notice the people who firstly, don't notice, secondly, who are on board and then you can have a more balanced opinion because there's only. A small percentage of people who will be the ones asking you to make exceptions telling you you're no longer fun, not agreeing with what you're.

But you only need to start noticing that when you are open to disagreeing with that and not making it a big deal. So I know for me, I had that as well. I would only look at the people who were not in agreement. So initially my mum said to me, when I started intermittent fasting, this is not sustainable.

What are you doing? You're starving yourself. This is not good for you. You know, I'm worried about you. All of that. Right. My sister-in-law said to me, this is another one of your diets. My friends said, oh, you never eat with us. My brother-in-law said, what? So we can't even order pizza as a family now. And initially all of these things really got to me because that people pleaser in me was like, oh my gosh, they're not approving of me.

This is really, really uncomfortable. And. When I was able to be very clear in my own brain, it was okay that my mum was saying these things and I was able to. Not let her agree with me and that be okay because I knew it was sustainable. So if she was saying that this was drastic and it was not sustainable, she was welcomed her opinion, but I didn't have to agree with her when my sister-in-law said, oh, this is another one of your diets.

I was able to say to her and state say in my own brain that no, this isn't one of my diets. This is a lifestyle measure that I'm going to be doing for life. And when my friends say. You know, you never eat with us anymore. I was able to say, actually, I do eat with you, but I just eat in a slightly different way to how you've seen me in the past, because the way I used to eat just wasn't helping me reach my goals.

And I found a new way that really helps me. And I love it when my brother-in-law said well, so we're never going to be able to order pizza. I was able to respond with, you know, what, I'm completely happy to order pizza for everyone else, but you know what? I'm going to just eat foods that feel good in my body.

And when I eat pizza, it makes me feel bloated. I don't actually feel good eating it. So you guys are welcome to eat it, but it's just not something that I'm going to be having, and then allowing him to feel however he felt about it. It was no big deal. Right. So. At the beginning, I focused on people who didn't agree.

And most of my clients do this. You may think that they're attacking you, that they should stop saying these things, but it's only because of what you're making it mean about yourself. And the truth is the entire world won't agree with you. there's so many areas in your life where people don't agree.

Right. So for example, if I was telling someone that I was Hindu and I, loved my decision and someone came and tried to say to me that you're making the wrong decision and you know, you should be following another religion. I wouldn't think anything of it. I wouldn't change my decision.

I wouldn't doubt my, choice. I would just think that they were a bit odd, but. Most people don't do this in this category because of their own doubts of whether it will be sustainable, whether they're doing the right thing, whether there'll be able to see it through to the end and what they would have to feel or think about themselves, if they feel.

So I was really worried at the beginning. Right. I wanted people to agree with me and it was my stress response. Right. So if you haven't listened to one of the previous episodes about the stress response, this is definitely something to go and listen to. I think it's episode 50. And it allowed me to notice that this was my stress response.

This was me trying to people, please others. This was my phone stress response. And what it was doing is it was allowing me to want to try and people please them so that they would approve of me. And then when they approved of me, then I could approve of me and then I was safe. Right. But when people didn't agree, it was normal.

And I was able to start using that as, you know what I could either completely ignore this issue and be like, you know what? This is too uncomfortable, or I could keep expecting to change them and expect them to stop saying these things. Or I could choose another way. I could decide that when people didn't agree.

Use that as a chance to stop and assess what I was thinking. Well, I was making it mean that they said these things, what doubts were coming up for me. So this was a perfect opportunity to start noticing my own. Because do you know what those thoughts are always going to have been there, but this is an opportunity for you to actually start dealing with them.

Because when you start dealing with them in the coaching journey, then you have another alternative. You have a different way of interpreting the same facts, what they say don't make you feel. It's you're thinking about them. So what is your thinking? This helps on earth that this helps you realize what you're actually thinking.

And when you are able to stop analyzing your own thinking, then you realize that, oh, I'm only feeling this way because I'm thinking this not because of what they said, but because I'm choosing to interpret it this way. So when you start noticing this, you start. Realizing that I don't need others to support me in this, but I just need to start being aware and supporting myself in this.

I don't need other people to agree. I just need to agree. So when other people don't agree, it really isn't a big deal. Right? It doesn't even phase you. So I remember like going to a party and someone saying, oh, you're on a diet. And I just clearly said, no, I'm not on a diet. I just eat this way because it makes me feel really good.

And it was the first time that I was really confident about what I was saying. And it's only because I've been practicing it in my own brain. So often before that, I remember I'd gone to, a family function and someone said to me, oh, you don't eat that. Oh, my daughter-in-law lost so much weight.

And, she eats everything. And nobody that would have made me question, am I doing this wrong? But. Yeah. You know, different people lose weight in different ways. This really works for me and I feel great the way I'm eating. And because I had my own back, the other person was quite a shock. So they were like, oh, I thought that this would make them feel a certain way.

And sh the way she reacted was completely different. And that was only because I'd practiced that in my own head so many times as well. I really love the way I eat. I'm not doing it to please anyone else I'm doing it because it makes me feel good. And so, because I believe it it's just no longer an issue.

So w I want you to, take from this episode is what do you make it mean when other people say things about the way you're eating, how do you want to show up when other people question your eating, when other people have opinions on how you eat? When other people say that you're boring now that you're not eating dessert every time, how do you want to react?

Do you want to believe them and let that on earth all of your doubt, do you want to then feel resentful to them and, you know, be annoyed at them and then avoid all socialists situations? Or do you want to let that be something to help you analyze your own thinking about these issues? Because it's not them that's making you feel the negative emotion is you're thinking about what this.

Okay, lovely ladies. I hope that was useful for you. And I will see you again next week. Take care. Bye.