Clean pain vs dirty pain in weight loss

Nov 08, 2022

 

Hi, ladies, welcome to the podcast. I feel so on a high right now, because I finished the November group coaching programme live event literally this weekend. And it was a four hour workshop where I lay down the foundation so that these amazing women who have joined the programme, who have invested the time, energy and money into this really have a solid foundation so that the next six months for them much easier. So we talked on all the topics. So all the six steps, how do you make a doable plan? And they actually made a doable plan, which is really fun for them? How do you stick to the plan and evaluate. So we actually went through the 24 hour plan and evaluation and we talked through how that would apply to them on a daily basis, which was really fun. Because sometimes just in a Teaching Workshop, you may think, Well, I don't know how this can apply to me. But the way that this was was I was teaching it. And we were putting it into practice as we went along. So that's what made it so fun. Because they were then able to get feedback, like live. And I was able to coach them through any of the things that were coming up for them. So I'll give you an example. One of the ladies was saying, Oh, I know exactly what to do, but I'm just not doing it. And it was really interesting, because when we coached on it, we were looking at why was she going to food in the evenings with her husband. And what came up was that she actually just wanted to rest. She's Go, go, go go go all day. And in the evenings, that's when she's like, okay, now I can finally relax, I can sit down, have some wine, and eat something with my husband and watch Netflix. And so that was her way of resting. So whenever she wasn't like acknowledging what was really going on for her deep down, then she wasn't able to get to the root of the problem, because she kept trying to go to Yeah, but I know what to do, but I'm not doing it. So what we what I showed her was that when she's able to acknowledge why she's actually eating, only then is she going to be able to do something about it. So that was a, like a mind breaking moment for her because she was like, wait, what, there's actually something that the food is giving me that I haven't even been acknowledging. And I was like, yeah, so if she thinks that the food is actually beneficial for her in this kind of way. And that's what her brain is, is like telling her, then of course, she's going to keep going back to eating, even if she knows that it's not serving her in the long run, right, because she's got a human brain. So it's really fun to be able to give her that insight on the call whilst we were actually doing that. So yeah, we went through how to make a doable plan, how to stick to it, and evaluate without judgement, how to actually dive deep into any overeating event. So when you have decided that actually, I didn't want to eat this, and I'm going to and you've gone and eaten it, instead of looking at it with judgement, how can we use that as an opportunity to actually learn what's going on, it was so fun, because we actually went through the dive deeper worksheet with them. And it was really fun to see them analyse the last overeating events so that they could actually learn like, oh, this doesn't have to be something that I continue to shame myself about. It could literally be something that I can learn from. And as you know, every overeating moment is something that we can learn from it has gems in there that can help us get us closer to our goal. So that was really fun. And just seeing them workshopping and working through their why's actually connecting with them, doing loads of bodywork like learning how to feel our emotions, learning how to drop into our bodies, because so much of this programme isn't just about the mind, and how do we like manage the mind. But it's also about how can we access that wisdom of our body. So much of what we do is feeling our emotions and feeling our urges getting used to our hunger in our body, noticing what it feels like and things like that. And if we're not able to do that, then no matter how much you coach yourself, you're not going to be able to get to the root cause of what's going on. Because the reason you're overeating is because you're trying to escape a negative emotion or trying to enhance a positive emotion. So only when you are able to feel that emotion in your body, then you will not need food to kind of make it better. Right. So that was really fun to kind of actually take them through that and they will do There were some people who were like, a little bit apprehensive about doing some body work and like dropping into the body, because they were like, no, no, I don't need that I need to, you know, learn how to manage my mind, and I need a coach for that. And it's really interesting. It's so fun to be able to be the coach and the one who does all the mind management, but also, prioritises, learning how to be in our bodies and trust our body signals. So this was so fun for me. And I feel so honoured to be the coach of these amazing ladies who are in the November group. And if you were really thinking, actually, I really wanted to join, but I didn't get a chance this time, or it wasn't the right time for me or anything, then don't worry, the next group is going to start in February. And I will be enrolling in December and in January. And so if you would like to find out more about that, you can go to www.amruticoaching.com/group. And you can find out all the information about the next group, and you can be added on to the waitlist. So if that's for you, make sure you go to www.amruticoaching.com/group. And if you hadn't heard if you're not on my email list, or if you're not on my social media, you may not have heard, but I have opened up 3 1:1 slots. So if you have been thinking, actually, I would love one to one coaching with Amruti. Everything that she talks about is really interesting to me, and I would love to coach with her one on one, then this is your chance, I haven't had any one to one slots open in nearly a year. So I don't know when I'm going to be opening up the next few slots. So these are for anyone who wants to lose weight, but also wants to do something else in their life. So it may be another goal that you may have, you may want to improve your parenting, it may be that you want to build a business or you want to transition out of your current career into building a business. Or it may be that you want to heal a relationship or you want to become a better parent, or you want to help with your time management. The one to one coaching is also available to you if you needed like different sessions per week. Or if you wanted to talk about something that is really personal, and really deep that you did not feel like you could talk about it in a group, then one to one coaching is for you. So if you would like to find out more information about that, you can go onto my website, www.amruticoaching.com/privatecoaching, and you will be able to book a free consult if that is for you. Okay, so let's get into this week's podcast. Today I wanted to talk about clean pain versus dirty pain. This is sometimes referred to as primary pain and secondary pain. So whichever way you would like to address it, that's completely fine. You may not think clean and dirty resonates with you, you may not think primary secondary resonates with you. So all you want to think about is there's some natural pain, and then there's the pain that we put on top of it. So as you know, I always talk about life being 50:50. So in a natural, normal human existence, we have 50%, positive emotion and 50% negative emotion. And in society, it's basically glorified that you should be happy all the time, right? So when you're not happy all the time, you may think, oh, there's something wrong with me, why am I not happy. But actually, this is false. This is a myth. And there is no one who has who is happy all the time. Because we are humans on this planet. And we are meant to experience the whole wide range of human emotion. And that includes positive emotion and negative emotion. And when you are thinking of it, like I am meant to have 50% negative emotion, then whenever something happens, that is meant to generate negative emotion, then it doesn't have to be like something has gone wrong, right? Because there will be things that happen. Everyone has things that happen that may not go to plan, right, you may have a death in the family, you may lose a pet, you may feel really disappointed because you didn't get a job that you really wanted. There's so many emotions that will come up and that are very natural. And that you want to come up you want to feel sad when you've lost a loved one. You don't want to be like happy and as acting as if nothing has happened, right? Because that there's some 

growth in that emotion, when you can be sad and be with yourself through that. That is a whole level of growth that we wouldn't get if we didn't experience that negative emotion if we didn't go through that. I remember when my grandfather died, and I was I think I was in high school. And I was quite close to my grandfather. And I remember that when we found out that he passed away we Got to go in and see the body. And then I like I was with people, then my cousins and my, my mum and dad and stuff. And then we were like, asked to go to another room. And then I went and went back into the room and just had some time alone with him. And other time my parents were like, oh, gosh, is she okay? She's like, going back into to see, like, the body is everything, okay. And actually, that was just my time to kind of just really feel sad and be with myself. I didn't know I was doing that at the time. I just thought Nico, this is something calling me to come and go and do that. And I realised that I was really, really sad at the time. And that when I allowed myself to be sad, then I became more resilient to sadness. So then when my grandma died a few years later, I noticed that even though it happened a few years ago, I built up a little bit of that resilience muscle. So it was still sad. But I didn't stay in that sadness. I wasn't like, sad for months and months and months afterwards. Now, if you find yourself in this kind of situation, nothing has gone wrong, it may be that you may just need to seek some additional help from a medical professional. And there is no shame in that at all. So if that is you, then make sure you go and get some help from someone. So that it this kind of sadness isn't prolonging because that can sometimes be a sign of depression, or another mental health disorder. And there's no shame in that I suffer from anxiety myself, so I completely get it. So that is like clean pain, there's some growth in actually feeling that pain. But the dirty pain that we normally layer on top of that is the shame is the judgement is the constant worry. And that dirty pain or the secondary pain is basically what can make the original primary or the clean pain, much worse. And there's studies to show that there have been people with who had been suffering from chronic pain. And when they basically were able to focus on the pain, and when they were able to be with that pain, without layering on the judgement, the shame and the wishing the pain would go away, then that made the pain much more, much more tolerable. So examples of kind of primary pain, we talked about loss, you may feel disappointed. If you've started a business and you wanted to earn, say, 50k in the first year, but you actually made 25k, you may want to feel a little bit disappointed. But then when you layer on the dirty pain with secondary pain, like why is this happening to me, it's not fair, it shouldn't have happened to me. You know, this is not fair, this is this shouldn't have been this way. And what you're doing is you're judging that and you're shaming yourself for going through this, right. So this often shows up in weight loss, like all the time. So some of the things that my clients say to me is, I didn't stick to my plan. And then they it normally goes on to I did something wrong. And then it normally goes to, for some people I am wrong. So when you are feeling disappointed that you didn't stick to the plan, that may be some really valid disappointment, because you may have said, I've invested time, money and energy into this. And I'm a little bit disappointed that I'm not following through that disappointment is really important because you want to learn how to be with yourself through that disappointment, because when you can learn how to feel disappointment, and, you know, carry on anyway, that will aid your weight loss journey, like so, so much. And it will make it much faster for you to lose weight. Because disappointment is a natural human sensation, it is a natural human emotion that you are meant to feel every human is meant to feel disappointed. And so when you can feel it on your weight loss journey, and get through that and not make it mean anything wrong about you, that will aid you. But when you are then going to the catastrophizing or the all or nothing meaning I am wrong because I didn't stick to my plan, or the all or nothing thinking is that I've gone off plan once so I might as well eat all the things that's like all or nothing thinking or if you're worrying constantly, like how will I ever get to go away if I if I don't like you know, stick to my plan all the time. Or if you're comparing to others and some other people may be losing weight quicker than you or you know, things like that, then you may be thinking, Oh, well you know, I'm not it's not working for me or you know, anything like that. Or if you're victimising and you're saying it's just happening to me, I'm the only one who this is happening to then whenever you're layering on that additional layer of judgement. That is that secondary or dirty pain that just makes the original pain so so much worse. This is so prevalent in weight loss, so Many people expect themselves to, they shame themselves and tell themselves off for having a normal human emotion. And this is something that I want to change, because this does not have to be the case. Because you're meant to feel human emotions, this is just meant to happen, it's not more. Now, it may not feel very comfortable at the time, that's okay. When you can actually be with yourself through that negative emotion. And, like, pay attention to it, notice what it feels like in your body actually be with yourself, rather than running away from it and going to food to make it better on scrolling on your phone or going to watch Netflix or, you know, having three glasses of wine to make yourself feel better, then it just trains your brain that you need to escape these emotions. So so much of what we do in the programme is actually being with those emotions that are completely human that are completely normal in our everyday life, which is why you come in for weight loss, but it actually impacts every single area of your life. When you don't get a job that you really wanted. You're gonna feel disappointed. When you felt disappointed in your weight loss journey. It's so much easier to feel disappointed in other areas of your life because you have normalised feeling a bit of disappointment. Everyone feels disappointed. I mean, we're humans, we set goals for ourselves. And the aim of the goal is not to actually achieve it. It's who you become in the process of achieving it. Like some people say to me, on a bit of a tangent, some people say to me, would you rather have always been at goal weight and never have to worry about your weight? Or would you have gone through the process of being 92 kilogrammes, and getting down to 50 kilogrammes? Like, would you have gone through that process? And every single time I say, I would choose going through that process? And they're like, wait, what, why? Why would you want to go through that like hassle of like losing 42 kilos. And I'm like, it's not like that. I just gained the weight loss, I gained the skills to be able to believe in myself no matter what, even when no one else believed in me, I was able to believe in myself, even when it felt hard. And I was stuffing my face with, like, Oreos, or when I was like having a binge and thinking that it wasn't working. For me whilst I was on my weight loss journey, I was able to get back up and say, You know what, I'm gonna do this anyway. And it was so empowering to be able to have gone through so many fields, like there was way more failures than there was success, right. But when I was able to go through that it helped normalise failure for me. So in my first two years of entrepreneurship, I've had way more failure than I've had success. But on the outside, it may seem like wow, look at Amruti, she has done so much, you don't see that every single day failures that I have on a daily basis, like all the time I'm failing. But I could only do that, because I was used to failing in my weight loss journey, right. So, so important, when you are able to do in one area of your life, you're going to be able to apply it to other areas of your life, which is why you're coming for weight loss, but actually then you're in your relationships improve, you are better with your time management, you're able to apply the same tools to growing a business or to getting a promotion at work. And it literally is endless. So this is why you want to actually be able to be with yourself during any emotion, right? So going back to the clean and the dirty pain, the primary or the secondary pain, I want you to start applying this. So I want you to start thinking about when you are experiencing some pain, when you're experiencing an emotion, ask yourself, Is this something that I can currently control. And if it is something that you can currently control, then you can go into like problem solving mode and stuff if you'd like, right. But if it's not something that you can control, then worrying about it won't actually help you and it will actually hinder you, right. So that's when you just say you just put a stop to the to the worry and just say hey, this isn't something I can control right now. So there's no use in me worrying about this. There's no use and me judging myself or shaming myself about this is not in my control. When it is in your control. That's when you can start thinking about okay, what would you like to happen in this case?

 

What are three possible things that you could try? And then what you can do is you can reassess in a certain time period. So it could be in a week in a month because no decision is actually set in stone. Right? So give an example. It may be that you gained weight this week. So you may think about the things that are the reasons why this happened where that you normally have your groceries delivered to you, but the delivery company messed up your order and so you didn't get a delivery that week. So is that in your control? No, that's not in your control. But looking at okay, what in this situation It is in my control. If this was to happen, again, what possible things could I do? So it may be, you may book a delivery for the next day. Or it may be that you have some meals already prepared that you are going to put in your freezer. So that way, if something like this happens, you're already set, you've already got something that you can have ready. Or it may be that you order something in and you know, in advance that, hey, these are the kinds of things that I love eating on protocol that makes my body feel great. So I'm going to audit these things. So can you see when you have got some actual solutions ahead of time, then that actually helps you to solve it. And you may say, Okay, I'm going to actually put these into practice going forward. And I'm going to reassess in a month and see if that's going to help. And so then you just reassess, Hey, did I lose weight? If this kind of thing happens again, what am I going to do? So another example may be that I lost half a kilo and I wanted to lose one kilo. So I feel disappointed. Okay, you can think about All right, yeah, it's okay that I feel a bit disappointed, I set a goal. And I didn't actually hit that goal. Of course, I feel disappointed. But then the secondary pain may be, hey, there's something wrong with me, I'm not losing weight fast enough. Everyone else is losing weight fast enough. And I am doing something wrong. Right? That is all additional like story that you're telling yourself, that's going to make the the original disappointment, so much harder to feel, okay. So you may think about, okay, what is actually in my control here, what's in my control is what I decide to tell myself about the losing point five kilos you meet and decide that one of the things you could do is actually be grateful for what you have lost. And just be like, you know, reminding yourself that actually, when I lose half a kilo a week, this is how much I lose in a year. And actually, the compound effect of that is huge. So you may say, hey, of course, there's gonna be ups and downs in this journey. And I get to decide how I want to treat myself through it. It's not actually about the weight loss, it's about building up that relationship with myself that I have my own back, regardless of the situation, right? And then you may decide how you're going to actually speak to yourself. And you may say, Hey, I'm going to try this for a week for a month, and then I will reassess. So can you see what you're doing is you are looking at what is in your control how you are going to actually address it going forward, and then you are going to reassess. So I hope you found this podcast useful. And if you did find it useful. I would love it if you could write me a review. So if you go on to iTunes, if you're on iTunes, you can go down and you can scroll down. And normally, you can only do this on the desktop. So if you're on your phone, I'd really appreciate it if you could go to your desktop to actually write the review. If you're on Android or any other podcast platform, you can always go and write a review and a rating on there as well. I would be so very grateful. And I would ask you to share this podcast with a friend that may be a need because it's completely free information and it will change your life and their life if you choose to stop putting it into practice. And I am honoured to be able to bring this information to you really, and I will continue to show up for you weekly so that you can start applying this. Okay, I will see you again next week. Take care bye.



 

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