Blame vs Responsibility

Hello ladies, welcome to podcast 38. So today I wanted to talk to you about the difference between blame and responsibility. So this idea came to me because of this month's theme of relationships and how I have seen a lot of my clients blame others, blame the situation, blame the past instead of taking responsibility and how, when they take responsibility of what has happened of their actions, of what they were thinking, what they were feeling, then how they were able to change things in their power to feel much better and create the results that they wanted.

So I wanted to bring this discussion to you today because I think that when we take responsibility, we are building a better relationship with ourselves. When we blame, then what we tend to do is, we tend to have a reason for why we're not doing what we want to do.

So for example, one of my clients, she was blaming her husband and it was her husband who did most of the cooking.

So she would blame her husband for making food that was off protocol. And when she came to the coaching sessions, when I asked, how did it go this week? Did you eat on protocol? What happened? She was like, oh, it happened again. My husband did the cooking and I told him not to make these things and he made them.

So I got into an argument with him. I had to eat, so I ended up eating them. And when we went deeper into this, the main issue wasn't that her husband was making foods that were off protocol. The main issue was that she did not want to have a discussion with him about the ins and outs of her protocol and why she was choosing to do what she was doing.

She didn't want to get into this discussion because she wanted to people please him. She didn't want him to disapprove of what she was doing. And the main thing that we got to the bottom of was that when she wasn't blaming her husband, then she would have no excuse for why she wasn't sticking to her protocol.

So blaming her husband was actually keeping her safe from owning and taking responsibility for what she was doing. So when she was blaming him, her mind was kind of stuck on that rather than focusing on what she could take control of. This was a huge eye-opener for her because when she was able to see that it wasn't her husband's fault and look at it from a different point of view, she was able to get to a place where she was able to be thankful for her husband cooking the food for her, and also have the strength and develop that strength to be able to speak to him about it and say, "listen, I really appreciate you making the food for me. Currently this is how I'm eating and I just wanted to talk to you about it so that we could come to some sort of arrangement and listen, I don't expect you to make the food for me or anything. I am able to do that myself, but if you did want to cook, then these are the kinds of foods that I'm eating right now. And when she was able to have that discussion, she was able to feel so much more empowered and she was able to stop blaming him.

And when she was able to stop blaming him and she was able to have that difficult discussion that was actually the thing she was not willing to do in the beginning - that's what actually got her closer to her goal because the issue wasn't eating off protocol, the issue was not being able to talk to her husband.

And the other issue was her having the trust in herself, that she would be able to stick to her protocol. And when we coached on that a few weeks in a row, we realised that she would make it mean that she was doing something wrong if she ate off protocol. And if she had no one to blame, then she had to blame herself, and that was too difficult for her.

So when we were able to dive into some of these things, it brought up a lot of issues that we didn't even know were an issue for her. So that's why if you do this work, this will change your entire outlook on things because you learn how to take responsibility for what you're feeling. You learn how to think. Okay, well, this did happen. That's fine. I'm not a superwoman. I'm human. I do things that are right. I do things that are wrong and that's okay. It doesn't mean that I'm a bad person. It just means that I am a normal human on this earth and everyone does things that are right and wrong. Right? So she wasn't making it mean that she was a bad person because of that. She was normalising that.

Another example was I was coaching one of my clients recently and she was blaming one of her family members for being inconsiderate. So there was a family gathering and a family member said something that she thought was inconsiderate, and the real issue was that she was unable to speak up in front of them because she didn't want to create an issue.

But what ended up happening is when she was blaming them, she was creating an issue for herself again and again and again, by blaming them. So what we were able to get to was that when she was able to change her thinking about the family member, and think of it in a way that actually helped her, she was able to change her thinking to "That's just how they are. I'm not in a position to change them. And I don't actually want to change them, but I will take control of what I can control. And that is my reaction to them. I don't need to get angry and spew inside and constantly spin in my head about them because I'm not willing to give them that much power over how I think and feel and what I do. So I'm going to take responsibility for my own thoughts, feelings, and actions. And I'm going to decide how I want to think about."

And so she decided that she didn't want to speak up in front of this family member, but also she didn't want this family member to take up so much of her mental space. So she decided to change the way she thought about this family member.

It took some repeated practice, but when she was able to see it from the other person's point of view, when she was able to look at it from a different way, she felt better. So that was the motivation for her to carry on doing this work, right? When we blame others, when we blame the situation, when we blame the past, what often happens is we are in victim mode.

We are letting things happen to us. We are not taking ownership of what we are in control of. What would it be like if we owned everything that we do? What would it be like if we looked for why it was actually perfect for us? So my clients know that I often say the phrase, "why was this perfect for you?" And this often is when they're describing something that they don't think is perfect at all.

So when I say this they're like, it wasn't perfect. But when I ask this question, it's because I'm getting them to access the part of their brain that they don't normally access. It's the part of their brain that is that rational part. That looks for why it was perfect.

So to give you an example of this, my recent America trip was a real eye-opener for me, with regards to blame versus responsibility. A lot of the trip I was blaming the circumstances, I was blaming getting COVID, I was blaming being in a room for nearly two weeks whilst I was not in my own environment, whilst I was not eating the food that I would normally eat, whilst I was not with my family.

So I felt a lot of negative emotion. And a lot of the time, even though I did feel a lot of my emotions, a lot of the time, my primitive brain went back into the "I'm the victim" mode. So when I was feeling victimised it didn't feel good. I would want to blame other people. I would want to blame the situation. I'd want to blame what was happening to me right now. And honestly that made me feel quite helpless and quite powerless. And so I decided when I got back and also whilst I was there, how could I take responsibility for things? So when I decided to take responsibility for what I was thinking, what I was feeling and what I was doing, then it changed the way I interpreted the situation.

It made me feel more accepting of it.

It made me look at it from a point of view that allowed me to not have that view of myself as that perfect person that I have to do everything perfectly all the time. I was able to think, yes, I have eaten off protocol. Yes, I did want to use food to numb out my emotions during a time that was quite stressful.

Oh, of course I'm going to want to do that. I'm human. I didn't do that all the time. And when I did do that, of course I wanted to do that because I have a primitive brain. And when I was able to take responsibility that, yes, I chose to do that in the moment. This is what I knew, then this is what my brain wanted to do in that time.

And when I was able to take responsibility for that it was able to open up for me so much more than I even thought was possible. I was able to notice my thoughts about being a weight loss coach and gaining a little bit of weight. There was thoughts coming up about, "oh dear, what is going on here? You should have this figured out by now."

And when I was able to challenge some of those thoughts by saying, well, actually, no, I'm human. And actually me going through this and normalising this helps my clients understand that there is no time there where this isn't going to be an issue, but what improves is your ability to manage your mind and not make it anything bad.

And when I was able to do that, I was able to realise, oh, this is why I went through this experience. This is why this was perfect for me. And I wasn't able to even access some of that wisdom that I was able to get from this when I was in the blaming mode. So the reason you want to get to that responsibility mode is because you want to learn how to move through it, rather than push it away and avoid it.

And whenever you're in that blaming mode, you're going to tend to spin. I noticed that when I was in America was blaming the situation a lot and I was just spinning in there. So I was stuck in that negative emotion a lot. And I don't blame myself for going through that or anything. I look at it as this is the reason why I went through it so that I could understand that there was a little bit of shame that I had about being a weight loss coach and gaining a little bit.

And now looking at it, I realised that right, this will actually help me with my clients because when they gain weight, it will help them normalise it. It's very normal, nothing has gone wrong. This doesn't mean that you're a failure or anything like that. This just means that there's just something to be noted.

There's some mind management that we can learn from here. There's something that we're doing that is a reflection of our own thoughts. So if we are overeating, that could be an indication to look inwards, to start analysing the mind, to look for. Okay, what can I learn from this? What is it that my brain is trying to signal to me right now?

Is this a time that I should overeat and push it away? Or is this the time for me to reflect inwards and really try and understand what my brain and body are trying to tell me? And when I was able to do that, I was able to uncover so many other thoughts. So there were some thoughts like "I've left my kids for nearly two weeks and they're going to have be missing me so much."

There was a lot of guilt that came up. There was guilt that came up with my husband looking after the kids and my mum looking after the kids. And I knew that they were in excellent hands and I knew that they were well looked after, but it was still that mother in me that felt really guilty about that.

And so when I was able to notice that I was like, of course. I was able to normalise that. Of course I would feel guilty because this is a thought that I'm thinking. But I don't have to carry on thinking like that, because if that keeps me stuck, it's just not going to be helping the situation. I could choose to think of it as wow, my kids were able to last two weeks without me. And they were completely fine. Yes. They missed me. And yes, they're clingier than usual now, but that's completely fine because they were able to manage when I wasn't there. And even though that's not something that I want to do on a regular basis, if that has to happen, I know they'll be ok.

And at the end of the day, that's much more important to me than me feeling guilty about leaving them and things. If I know that they're fine, I feel so much better. Right? Other things that came up for me were I was thinking, "oh, well, I went on a business trip and then this happened." So there was a part of me that was thinking, I don't want to go on a business trip again.

I wanted to blame the circumstance of what happened, but I decided that if I can go on a business trip, and this is the first business trip experience that I've had, then any other problem that's going to be on a business trip I will be able to deal with. I will be able to go through much easier because if I've gone through this experience, everything else is going to be a breeze.

So when I was able to change my thinking about it, it really helped to empower me to deal with some of those underlying thoughts that were there that wouldn't have even have come up if I hadn't gone through this experience.

So for you, how do you know if you're blaming or if you're taking responsibility?

The way you can start thinking about it is how are you feeling when you're blaming? You may be feeling quite helpless, quite powerless, or like the victim. When you are taking responsibility, there may be some negative emotion as well, but there's probably a more grounding calmness, acceptance. You owning taking responsibility and that feels completely different to being helpless, powerless and like the victim.

So I want you to tap into how are you feeling at that time? Another thing is looking at what you're doing or what you're not doing. When you are blaming, you may be justifying yourself. You may not be sticking to your plan. You may not be setting alarms to wake up on time, for example. And that may be because you're blaming the situation or you're blaming other people or you're feeling like the victim. When you are taking responsibility, you may be accepting that yeah, this may be feeling a bit uncomfortable, but I'm going to do it.

You may be thinking, yeah, I may not want to go back on protocol and it may be harder for two weeks because I've been getting more urges and my urges may be stronger and I may be feeling more hunger, but that's okay. I'm willing to go through that because I'm taking responsibility for that. I'm setting those realistic targets.

I'm able to access those parts of my brain that my brain wants to just shut off because it's trying to keep me safe.

When I decided to step into responsibility, I was able to see all of the thoughts that were holding me back. I was able to access all of the feelings that I needed to feel to go through this. And I was able to see all of the things that I was doing when I was blaming versus all of the things that I was doing when I was taking responsibility.

And let me tell you, it felt so much more empowering to take responsibility, even if that meant me admitting to myself that it wasn't perfect. And actually that has been so freeing for me because all my life, I always thought that I wanted to be the best mum, the best wife, the best doctor, the best coach, the best daughter-in-law, you know, all of those things.

But what I realised through this experience is that the only way for me to be the best at all of these things is for me to accept that I'm human and that I'm going to do some things really well and some things not so well, and that is completely okay. And that acceptance is the thing that makes me good at doing what I do, because then it makes it realistic.

It doesn't mean that I have to constantly chase this ideal that is just not realistic and it's just not possible. When I accept that, yes, I am going to do things that I don't particularly like doing then I take responsibility for that. I get to go inwards and think, okay, why did I do that? What was going on for me? What can I learn from this? And that is the thing that's going to get me closer to where I want to go.

So this week, what I want you to do is to look inwards. I want you to take responsibility and when you would normally blame someone I want you to think, okay, how can I take responsibility for this?

What are the things that I am in control of? And I want you to look for the lessons and when you are able to look for the lessons and then coach yourself through that, that's where you get the best growth. So if you would like to dive into this further, I am accepting free consults for my May group coaching program.

So if you would like to join the May group coaching program, I have consults available all of this month next month and April. So if you would like to see if this is something that could help you. Then go to my website, www.amruticoaching.com/group and you will be able to get all the details.

I look forward to speaking to you on the consult.

All right, ladies, I'll speak to you next week. Take care. Bye-bye.